I DO . . . what????

STUFFED:: The New Blog

2010-05-25T10:52:00.002-06:00

After four years of on again, off again blogging here at I Do . . . What??? I have decided it is time for a change. Life has moved on from the first years of marriage and the hilarity and heartache that go with it. I have moved on too. Maybe you'll join me at STUFFED:: she stuffed her food and her life with delightful things.

On the Ridiculousness of Dreaming Big

2009-10-01T11:07:00.004-06:00

(dreamy iPhoto taken on my Mac. not my heart lace curtains in the background.)

Lately, I have been thinking a lot about dreaming big. Putting yourself out there and hoping for the best. Better yet, believing that the best will come. This has gotten hard for me in the past decade. Not because I believed in the best and didn't see it come to pass, but because some hard things happened. Things I wasn't even thinking about - best or worst case scenario. Life just swooped in and took over. My parents divorced. My relationship with my dad all but withered up as a result. I got married only to find that my own marriage experience was extremely difficult. I simply saw how difficult life can be. So, for me, the thought of dreaming big . . . believing big . . . seems crazy. Why would I start to expect great things when I know that at the end of the day, life is just hard?

But the reality is, I have spent the last 10 years living as a skeptic. Expecting the worst. Hunting it down. Pulling it out of people. And it has been hard. I am tired. And in a lot of physical pain. Expecting the worst was my way of protecting myself. I figured that the worst was inevidable, so I might as well be in control and find it before it finds me. In the end, it is wearing me down. Not only that, I do believe that when we look for something, that is what we will find. Well, I have spent too much time looking for the worst. But it is scary to consider my alternative. What if I start looking for and expecting the best and I don't find it? What then?

As I look into the next decade, if I allow myself to dream, I see babies and new career paths, a tight circle of local friends doing life together, and a ridiculously rich, romantic, and even *gasp* easy relationship with my husband. And that, right there, is where I start to recoil. "Who am I to dream of an easy marriage? Marriage isn't easy. Not for anyone. It is hard work. You know this, Cara. You are being ridiculous!" The words start flooding my mind. When I begin to dream of a quick, complication-free conception followed by a dreamy pregnancy, a baby that latches easily and learns to sleep through the night, I hear the same voices. "That is ridiculous! That is not even close to reality! You can't control that stuff! It is going to be incredibly hard. You are just going to have to deal with it! It will be so hard." Well, maybe it will be hard. Maybe I will struggle with fertility. Or maybe I will be sick for nine months. Maybe. Maybe my baby will be colicky like his or her momma was. Maybe. But maybe not. Maybe not. And it is that space, the "maybe not" space, that I want to begin exploring. The space of possibility. The space of hope.

What will happen to me if I begin hoping for the best? Expecting the best? Will it come more easily because my heart is open to it? Or will I be crushed by disappointing realities that come
regardless of my posture towards the future? What then? Will I feel foolish and embarrassed? Will I have a hard time hoping again? Who will protect me if I am not "prepared" or "protected" for the worst? But then I also think, "What if hoping opens you up to all sorts of magical possibilities that you would not have otherwise? Do you really really want to miss that out of your efforts to protect yourself from disappointment?"

one of the few problems with living in denver is our high level of casual

2009-08-11T12:17:00.005-06:00

SO,
could somebody
PRETTY PRETTY PLEASE
throw an event
at which it would be appropriate
to
wear
this
dress!?!?!

please
and
thank you

Why We Work

2009-07-31T15:04:00.003-06:00

herb got some good news today.
not earth shattering call everyone you know news.
but certainly not the test results came back positive news either.
it was good news.
and frankly, it has been awhile since we have really seen much good news around this joint.
so we'll take it.
i have been sending him love all day over text messages.
little notes and reminders that i think he is the best.
finally, i sent him a smiley pic of myself.
and in return?
he sends me this.
i love this guy.
i really really do.

what good news have you received lately?

To: You Love: Me

2009-07-31T06:47:00.000-06:00

happy*happy friday, friends!
last night i created a new playlist on itunes
and i thought it would be fun to share here
since i have never done that before.

so, here's to you
love, me!

Hey Ya! - OutKast
Put it Down - Mike Doughty
Rock & Roll - Eric Hutchinson
Say Hey (I Love You) - Michael Franti & Spearhead
More Bacon Than the Pan Can Handle - Mike Doughty
1234 - Feist
The Little Things - Colbie Caillat
Love Song - Sara Bareilles
Modern Nature - Sondre Lerche
1,2,3,4 - Plain White T's
New Soul - Yael Naim
Many the Miles - Sara Bareilles
Mercy - Duffy
Forevermore - Katie Herzig
Sitting on the Dock of the Bay - Sara Bareilles
To Be Surprised - Sondre Lerche

When Only Living Out of Your Heart Will Do

2009-07-30T07:32:00.003-06:00

Back in May, I left my contract position at Foundations Family Counseling, where I did outpatient counseling and ran an internship program for counseling students. It was a great gig and a place I am grateful to be connected to. But it was time for me to step away from counseling and supervising for a few reasons. On the darker side, I just wasn't doing it as well as I wanted to. With my back pain and the ongoing fatigue and moodiness that comes with constant pain, I was distracted at best. On the brighter side, I walked away so that I would have more time and energy to pursue my dreams of writing on a professional level.

I was still leading one therapy group at a residential treatment center in the foothills, once a week. So, in the back of my mind, I had the safety net of being able to say "I am a therapist" when asked at cocktail parties (because, you know, we are big cocktail party people here in Colorado). Then, a few weeks ago, I got notice that they couldn't afford to pay me anymore, and my contract was not renewed. Something started shifting inside, right around this time. I have been working as a nanny since the winter and have been increasingly dissatisfied with it. The family is nice enough, it just wasn't for me. So, I started looking for new jobs. Knowing that I have made a commitment to take time away from counseling, I started looking for a new nanny job. Quickly, I realized that I wanted nothing to do with nannying. I was looking for these jobs out of a sense of fear - a fear that I don't have any other talents or abilities outside of counseling.

Herb was supportive in helping me realize that I needed to wait and come up with something that works a little better for me. So, I took his advice. Things are still being worked out, but it looks like I am going to focus on writing and taking care of my back (and the home). For work, I am planning on teaching some Creative Living Workshops at Vaun Swanson's new Pomegranate Place. The website is not up yet, but it is a women's center where people can go to take classes, workshops, and just find solace in the company of other women. She is renovating a century old mansion in the city as we speak and if all goes well, it will be up and running by the fall. This gives me the entire month of August (at least) to dream and scheme as I pull my ideas for classes together.

As a result of pulling the plug on my nanny job, I have seen what a difference it makes to the heart when you live out of obligation versus your passion. Once I gave my notice to the family I work for, my eyes and heart expanded. I started paying attention to my life again. I came off of auto-pilot and started living the things that are important to me. I have been writing several times a week, working out and cooking healthier meals (and losing weight!), and taking better care of our home. What I am learning from all of this is the importance of doing things that bring us life and give us the chance to pour life out to other people. More than that, I am learning that when we do things that we don't like and don't fit into our value system, it matters.

a glorious invitation

2009-06-30T12:12:00.004-06:00

credit: design sponge; apartment of teresa grow

this painting.
OH, this painting.

i love when i see something
or hear something
that stirs so deep
the truest of places
of myself.
of my heart.
of my hope
for what might be true
about myself
and about life
and about god
and love.
i love when this place is nudged,
gently woken up by a warm hand
placed on a shoulder
and a whisper is uttered,
"it is okay to wake up now.
to come out and play again.
there is hot cocoa on the stove
and at least one other person
in the world who is glad you are around.
wake up, will you?
it matters greatly that you do.
oh, how it matters!"

wHaT We'Ve bEEn dOing aRounD hErE

2009-06-25T07:19:00.004-06:00

* enjoying cool, sunny colorado summer weather - complete with the afternoon rain we have not seen in 7 or 8 years!
* a great visit with two fun girlies from new mexico
* "driving miss mary, 2009" . . . a nice trip to see my mom and drive her around, post eye surgery
* homemade crab cakes!
* an amazing surprise date that i planned for herb: yummy happy hour on pearl street mall and a great mark cohn concert in boulder
* being introduced to the musical genius that is katie herzig . . . the opening act for mark cohn!
* getting sweet little thank you notes for planning said surprise date in the form of gifted iTunes songs
* looking forward to a week off of work, followed by a girls weekend in boulder with my sister!
* playing in the garden and enjoying fresh herbs in the kitchen!
* riding our bikes

life is pretty nice around these parts.
what have you been up to so far this summer?

once again

2009-06-06T08:34:00.001-06:00

it should come as no surprise to you that i am back on a gluten and dairy free diet.
or should i say, i am trying to be.
for some reason, this diet is extremely difficult for me to stick with.
but time and time again,
i am told by professionals that it may bring great relief to my back pain
by decreasing the amount of food-induced inflammation i have.
i have a hard time buying that and so i have not really thrown myself into it
like i need to in order to see results.
but herb has recently changed his diet and he is being so diligent with it
that i have been inspired to give it another try!

what i really want to tell you is about some of the foods that i am finding
that fit my diet.
first of all, there is an amazing dairy free yogurt out there!
i was looking for soy yogurt for thursday's cilantro pesto, and i found this.
i don't really care for the taste or texture of most soy products
but i love the taste of coconut,
so when i found this, i was very excited!
and the texture is exactly like regular, dairy-based yogurt.
so even if you can eat dairy, give it a try!

next, is Whole Foods' Sonoma Chicken Salad.
if i am reading the nutritional info correctly,
it is not low in the calorie and fat department
(i can't tell if that is for one serving for for the entire recipe)
but it is high in protein and flavor
and i am most nearly positive
that it is dairy and gluten free.

for the past year or so i have been so inspired by
the The Gluten Free Girl
in her attempts to embrace her restrictions with food
and allow them to show her new, open doors she has never
before noticed.
it is not easy, but here i am, starting again.
go.

(* i am not a professional in the food and allergy department,
so if you cannot have these dairy and gluten,
please double check and do your own research
on the yogurt and the chicken salad before consuming.)

first*fruits

2009-06-05T08:15:00.002-06:00

this summer i planted my first garden.
and yesterday i picked my first ingredients!
unlike everything else, my cilantro is
SPRINGING UP FAST & FURIOUS!
so last night i made an old favorite.
this is a very easy recipe
that even a novice can master and use to impress
all of your friends and family!

ENJOY!

Flank Steak with Cilantro-Almond Pesto

Yields:

4 servings (serving size: 3 ounces steak and about 1 tablespoon pesto)

Ingredients

3/4 cup fresh cilantro
2 tablespoons slivered almonds, toasted
1 tablespoon chopped seeded jalapeño pepper
1/8 teaspoon salt
1/8 teaspoon black pepper
1 garlic clove, chopped
3 tablespoons plain fat-free yogurt
1 1/2 teaspoons fresh lime juice
1 (1-pound) flank steak, trimmed
Cilantro sprigs (optional)

Preparation

Prepare grill.

Combine first 6 ingredients in a blender; process until finely chopped (about 15 seconds). Add yogurt and juice; process until smooth.

Grill steak 6 minutes on each side or until desired degree of doneness. Cut steak diagonally across grain into thin slices. Serve steak with pesto. Garnish with cilantro sprigs, if desired.

Nutritional Information

Calories:: 209 (47% from fat)
Fat:: 10.8g (sat 3.9g,mono 4.9g,poly 0.8g)
Protein:: 24.6g
Carbohydrate:: 2.4g
Fiber:: 0.6g
Cholesterol:: 57mg
Iron:: 2.5mg
Sodium:: 152mg
Calcium:: 36mg

chasing the dream

2009-06-04T11:39:00.003-06:00

this morning i went on a writing date with myself .
we went to starbucks.
me, myself, and our computer.
and a notebook.
a comfy chair was involved and so was some fabulous
(but inappropriate for getting into a writing groove)
latin music.

i wrote a few paragraphs
that left me feeling uninspired.
i got sort of cranky about being there.
then i remembered that i have made many choices recently
that have afforded myself the time and opportunity to spend time writing.
so i wrote a little more.
and then i left.
but i have to have to have to believe
that every 20 or 30 minute chunk of time
every choice to go write instead of going home
will eventually set a rhythm, habit, and pattern.
eventually all of these chunks of writing will be edited
and worked
and moved around
until something i love and feel proud of sits on my bookshelf
and hopefully yours too.

baby steps.
one
two
three.

it's been a long long long time.

2009-06-03T10:57:00.005-06:00

well, well, well.
it has been awhile, no?
the past few months have been a blogland blur.
i was quite busy
over here for a few months.
but honestly, even that has slowed down.
i think i am in season of contemplation
and prioritizing.

did you know that i have a counseling degree?
well, i do.
and i have been practicing counseling
in some form or another for eight years.
this spring, i decided to stop the majority of my work as a counselor.
so i have been wrapping things up at work for the past few months.
and dreaming about what might be next!??!?!!?!
writing.
well, that is something i have been talking about for a long time
but it is time to get serious and really let my passion sing.
and that is taking a lot of personal soul searching
in order to get past a lot of internal blech before i can really
pursue this dream to the fullest.

but right now, i am really missing this blog.
so, in this effort to reintroduce myself to blog world,
i thought i would share some current favorite things.

1. OPI An Affair in Red Square
2. this film

3. and excited to see these films:

4. day dreaming about teaching young girlies to become guerrilla artists.

5. playing games with my favorite guy named herb.

6. trying out new recipes.

7. planting my garden.

8. listening to my wind chimes in the late spring windy weather.

9. making new friends.

10. ordering new swimsuits and getting excited about floating around at this place!
Eddie Bauer: Miraclesuit® Solid-Color Valentine One-Piece

Shared via AddThis

i am happy**happy to be dipping my toes back into blogland
and looking forward to sharing more stories and pictures soon.

a new friend

2009-02-19T07:45:00.005-07:00

hi there
this is my new friend olivia jane wible
we met through a mutual friend,
also known as her mother.
olivia was not supposed to show up on the scene until may or june
so it goes without saying we were totally unprepared to meet her.
in fact, i had not even had the chance to host a little party
and make all of her mamma's friend's taste baby food
and sniff diapers
(i have actually only heard of that game
and i assure you i would never actually make anyone play it!)

anyway,
her mom has been having some abdominal pain
and in the process of being in the hospital
and dealing with it,
miss olivia greeted us very early.

her mom will be having surgery next week
to figure out what is going on.

so that means she will have:
one toddler
one husband
one church plant job left unattended
one home to care for
one post-op wound to tend to
and one beautiful premi baby
who is living in a hospital bassinet.

clearly, they have a lot going on.
so, if you want to pray
or through a few dollars their way
or (if we know you) provide some childcare for alvin,
please wander over to their blog
and check out the right sidebar for ways you can help.

THANK YOU!

(in case you are wondering,
chad wible gave me permission to post this.
that probably doesn't mean much
because he is just some guy i met
with the same last name as olivia and alli,
but i figured that might count for something
if i ever got taken to court for posting their story here.)

seriously*privileged

2009-02-17T04:04:00.006-07:00

by now, most of you have probably seen this video.
and while i love sharing it
and had an amazing time making it,
that is not what this post is really about.

i wanted to share about two fabulous websites
that this little video has had the honor
of being featured on lately.
there are so many rockin' women out there in blogland
and they are doing amazing things!

the art is found
every other week,
the uber impressive,
SIXTEEN year old
kara and her awesome team of artists
post a piece of inspiration
for artists to take and run with.
they are cool.
this girl is amazing and i can't wait to see
what she is doing in 10 years from now!

and then you must go check out voca femina.
seriously.
wow.
a friend of mine turned me on to this local group
of colorado gals who are going to spread like
wildfire on the web!
they are all about giving women a place to share their
writing and artwork!
please, go check out what they are doing
and leave them some big time love!
if you really like what they are doing,
tell your friends!
anyone out there who has ever started a blog
knows that especially at the beginning,
you want to know if people are tuning in!

thanks, to these two blogs for allowing me
to contribute to the conversation
of art and beauty.

enjoy the week!
cara

PS - don't forget to leave a comment on the new blog
for a chance to win a great book on marriage!
i mean, even if you aren't married,
it makes a great gift.
or paper weight.

update on the book giveaway!

2009-02-16T14:39:00.002-07:00

hi everyone!

i just wanted to remind you about
the book giveaway i am doing.
if you don't want to link the new blog up
to your blog,
that's okay!
just leave a comment here or on the new blog
and look OVER THERE
on thursday
for the winner!

i am so excited about everything that is happening
over on the MarriageMix!
if you have already been over there,
THANK YOU!
if you haven't,
well,
maybe today is the day!
go check it out!
i am especially excited to share with you
the current post:
Kevin Still's T-Shirt
I believe it will make you smile as well as very glad
to know that there are men like him
in the world!

who doesn't like a book give away????

2009-02-04T18:39:00.005-07:00

thanks to all who have given me encouragement and feedback
about my new blog:
the marriage mix

i have had this blog for three years now,
and those of you who read it regularly mean so much to me!
so, please, feel free to email me with any
feedback or constructive criticism or suggestions that you might have
for my new blog!
i trust you and would love to hear what you have to say.

the new blog is all about finding hope that marriages can work; that our generation does not have to follow in the statistical footsteps of our parents. so, it is my hope to get the word out about it, so we can create more and more encouraging, hopeful conversations about love and marriage.

would you like to help?
great, I thought you might!
you can help out by adding this blog to your list of links on your own blog

you can add this blog to your blog reader

once you do that, come back here and leave a comment and you will be entered in a drawing to win one of these thoughtful, brilliant books about marriage!

easy as pie, right?

right.

The Marriage Mix

2009-02-02T07:03:00.003-07:00

Three years ago, I was a newlywed who was quickly realizing that marriage is not easy.
There were so many surprises and funny stories that popped up everyday.

So, I began this blog: I Do WHAT????
For the first few months, I wrote stories about marriage
and everything I was learning about it.

After a few more months it got hard.
I mean really hard.

Things started to crumble, inside and out.
I stayed at home as much as possible.
I avoided phone calls.
It took me 8 months to even tell my mom
that my fairy tale marriage was coming apart at the seams.

Very quickly, this blog became an escape.
Instead of chronicling my marriage here,
I used it as a place to focus on the "pretty things" in life.
Pictures, vacation tales, art making and recipes got logged here.

But now we are have been doing this thing (marriage)
for more than three years.
And things are better.
Not perfect.
But better.
Much
much
much
better.

And during the tough days,
when I was at a complete loss for stories of hope
and encouragement,
I was terrified that people who had it as bad as we did
had only one choice -
to get a divorce.

We did not want to leave our marriage,
so we worked hard to find another option.
This looked a lot like
crying
yelling
crying some more
talking
talking
talking
until
we had to sleep.
letting friends
listen
and
encourage.
crying
talking
yelling
talking.

It took a lot of hard work, prayers, and tears.
It is not a strategy, formula, or magic spell.
But it is a testament that tough marriages don't have to end.

And now I want to provide that sense of
hope
and
encouragement
to others.

You can find that in my new blog
(this time, it really WILL be about marriage)
The Marriage Mix

This blog is not going anywhere.
I will still post silly stories,
thoughts on faith,
ridiculous bed head photos,
and my adventures in the kitchen
on this blog!

In the meantime, go check out my new blog.
Be sure to visit often this week,
as I will be making changes and improvements.
And please, let me know what you think -
I would love your feedback!

08*09

2009-01-03T19:48:00.004-07:00

this is now at least my third attempt at paying tribute to 2008.
it is a hard thing to do,
saying thank you
and good-bye
to an
entire
year
of
your
life.

it is a hard thing to do.

and maybe it should be.

not so much because you don't want to see it go
or that you don't trust that the next year will continue to care for you,
but how do you sum up a year?
by the events that took place?
the books that were read?
things that were learned?
or unlearned?
or relearned?

how do you thank 365 days
for teaching you
and growing you
and showing you new things?

how do you do this?

i'm not sure.

but here is what i do know . . .
things i know a little more about today than i did last January . . .

* Pillars of the Earth is a great book
* i have a special place in my heart for the Pacific Northwest
* my body is capable of doing very strenuous workouts
* i am ready to be a mamma
* i want to travel to wales
* i have several bulging discs in my spine, which have caused me a decade of pain
* i will be married to herb forever . . . even though it is really hard sometimes
* it is good to say "i am sorry" . . . i said it a lot this year. A LOT. to a lot of people.
* i love my hair when it is cut like victoria beckham's hair
* my parents are never going to be perfect
* my problems are not their fault
* counseling is a hard job for me
* i must stop saying "i am going to write a book someday" and start working on it. hard. or it will never happen.
* i understand why god desires us to participate in community, but i don't understand why we need to attend church. i am going to have to be okay with that for a while.
* our country is in for big change these next four years. i helped make that happen.
* arguing a point in order to be right is not worth the cost of the relationship
* i have good friends
* there are four women in denver that i want to pursue closer friendship with this year
* denver is our home. we will probably always live here.

and i have not made any resolutions,
but i do appreciate the start of a new year,
and i do have a few things that i would like to see happen
in 2009:

* continue to pursue my physical health
* focus on what herb is trying to communicate, rather than trying to be right
* write. write. write. pursue my dreams!
* work towards having a baby this year or next.

that's it folks.

i hope you had a year full of adventure, forgiveness, love, and curiosity.
and here is to another one filled with the same!

christmas around this joint . . .

2009-01-03T19:22:00.006-07:00

herb and i made a gingerbread house
a few days before christmas.
isn't it cute?

well, kind of . . .

why don't you take a closer look:

exhibit A:
please note the gingertree on the left.
i decorated this tree with tasteful red gel frosting dots.
festive yet understated.
now, please note the tree on the right.
that would be herb's tree.
it is decorated with dots in various shades of peach.
it is a boob tree.
it is totally a tree made of boobs!
herb says it is "retro-mod".
me?
i say:
boob.tree.

but do not worry, that is the least of it.

exhibit B:
there is a ginger-sniper on our roof.
herb carefully crafted that snow man a sniper rifle.
herb says he is a protector of all things festive and christmas-like.
me?
i say candy-coated-killer!

keepin' it real in blog world

2008-12-20T20:06:00.004-07:00

every morning, my hair provides endless entertainment
in the harjes household.
every morning it is crazy big
and every morning i tell herb,
"take a picture of my hair and put it on my blog"
and every morning we laugh and laugh
and every morning, he never takes a picture.

but this morning was too good to pass up.
so i took my own picture and put it on my blog!

i hope you enjoy this, blogworld.
i just thought you should know that i don't always look like this!!!

link me up to your bedhead this week, i dare ya!!!

2008-12-18T10:35:00.004-07:00

well, even though i have been a naughty blogger lately,
kelli nominated me for the Christmas Spirit Award!

in order to accept this award, i must share with you all of the things
that i love about christmas.
and then, tag someone else.
i think i shall tag rachel, since she has the cuuuutest holiday decorations!

okay, things i love about christmas:
* my ornament garland that herb and i bought together
while we were dating
* hot cocoa
* driving around and looking at christmas lights
* SOMA FM's christmas station (free internet radio, baby!)
* buying gifts for herb
* cuddling on the couch for a few days at a time
* snowy nights

what do YOU love about christmas time?

May I Have Some Community With My Eggnog?

2008-12-10T18:08:00.000-07:00

As the Christmas season washes upon us, waves of shiny green and red, gingerbread and warm fires, submerge us. Stores sell silk dresses, so pretty I have found myself tempted to plan a fancy party just so I can wear one! If we turn down the 32nd version of Baby It’s Cold Outside, we will hear a quieter chorus. This voice calls us back to the birth of a baby in a barn and a faithful teenage girl. Clearly, this Christmas season we have entered seems to split us into two groups: those who delight in the commercialism and social norms of the season (such as gift-buying, party-hosting, and card-sending) and others who feel that such activities detract from the meaning of the season, and ultimately, the heart of God.

Though some of the fanfare of the season is noisy and loud (and even profane), we who respond to its siren cry are drawn to it for a reason, signaling something more profound than the mere success of evil genius advertisers. Engaging the man-made season may seem shallow and misguided. It may distract us and leave us exhausted, but I believe we are seeking something deeper and more meaningful in the process.

As I hear the fringe pleading, a little bit louder this year, that we all just stop with the list-making and the party-going and the card-sending and focus on knowing God and loving our neighbor, I am beginning to wonder if by engaging these "distractions", we are trying to do just that.

I can see now that what people are really seeking during this season as they rush around buying gifts, attending parties, and spending the obligatory morning at the local soup kitchen is expressing love to others, participating in community, and serving the poor. Throughout the year, it can be difficult to find the context in which to pursue these things. Our schedules limit us, our wounds entangle us, and our selfishness isolates us.

Our culture is limiting as well. We who were born after the time of community barn raisings have become so self-sufficient that we no longer know how to love our neighbors; mostly because we have never met them. Dropping by a plate of cookies to unknown neighbors in the middle of July would make us feel weird. But anytime after Thanksgiving and before January first, we have the armor of “good tidings and cheer” to buffer all discomfort. But these are the things that God so desperately longs to see us do year round. And we long to do them year round, because regardless of where we think they come from, we have a set of internal desires (though sometimes quite faint) that God infused in us upon our creation.

People gladly pursue their God-given desires when they see the opportunity. For example, in March of 2003, my home of Denver, CO experienced a snow that kept the city stranded inside for three days. The day after the snow stopped, I noticed something different at my neighborhood library. It was noisy. People were smiling. And TALKING to one another – to strangers! People swapped stories about how much snow we got and what they did while trapped inside. It was something that, though unusual, seemed to come so easy and natural. By God’s design, we long to connect with each other. Sometimes, we just need a reason.

It is with this perspective, that I believe our culture has created noisy celebration around Christmas – that we might have a reason to connect with our community - and to pursue a Savior we long to know, but whom we don’t know how to engage. It is my hope that in the year to come, we will explore ways to engage the heart of Christmas on a daily basis. Perhaps next December we find that we have a slower, quieter approach to the month, because we sought the heart of Christmas all year.

WHAT ARE WE LOOKING FOR?

Parties:
We are desperate to connect with others. The way we wait for those invites to roll in, need the season to throw a party, and do our best to attend them all, begs the question, do we really know how to engage community on our own? Let’s practice daily building the kinds of relationships we long for.

Gift Giving:
Our loved ones want to know that we care about them, and most of us want to express our care. But what are we doing to show we care year round? And if we don’t actually care, our energy would be better spent mending the relationships and creating an actual depth of love, rather than the illusion of love through the gifting of an electric razor or tea cozy.

General Merriment:
We go crazy over lights and music and festive clothes. We want a sense of celebration and possibility that is infused into the rest of the year by having spontaneous family dance parties after dinner, using the good china on a Tuesday, and creating a sense of magic for a stranger by surprising them with acts of unbelievable kindness and grace.

Creating a Mood:
The desire to decorate our homes for the holidays and make intricate cards is a reflection of our inclination to create. As He created us, so too do we have an inherent drive to create. What can we give up in this New Year to make time in our lives to create on a regular basis?

Christmas Music:
The language in these traditional holiday tunes highlights some of our longings for the things of God. Can you imagine how our day-to-day experience would change if we meditated on words like “joy”, “cheer”, and “comfort” year round?

Christmas pandemonium does not have to be the devil’s playground if we can learn to appreciate it for what it really is – a reflection that our deepest needs and longings are unquenched. This season can serve us like pain we experience when we accidentally touch a hot burner on the stove – it does not feel good, but without the pain, we would not know to move our hand away from the hot coil to safety. In this way, let us recognize that the extreme engagement we observe in this season is simply the heart’s cry to live out Christmas year round.

pictures 07

2008-12-04T11:09:00.005-07:00

what were you shooting a year ago?
look back at your photos from last year
and see what you were shooting today
(or this week).
and then upload a link in the comments section!
come on, it will be fun!

waiting for the airplane . . .

2008-11-29T12:44:00.002-07:00

our flight is delayed
weather in florida
and snow in colorado
we may just be moving into the st. louis airport.

the computer battery is about to die.

hope you had a good thanksgiving.

experimenting with joy: part ii

2008-11-25T16:04:00.003-07:00

it is really difficult for me to let people take care of me. i might allow someone to do something i don't want to do. herb knows this to be true. all of the gold stars next to his name, earned for laundry folding and trash-taking-out, can testify. but that is really more laziness than anything else. i am talking about really being honest with someone about a need that you have. and then allowing them to really do something about it.

as a therapist, you would think i could see the value in allowing another to walk alongside me. after all, i make a living by doing that for others. apparently i (and my clients) believe that there is something valuable in allowing another to know your pain and do what they can to help.

it may have something to do with being embarrassed. or nervous. nervous that if i am totally honest about my stuff, that people will judge. and nervous that if i ask for help, and really allow the other to put themselves aside long enough to help me . . . in exchange for helping me . . . that they will in turn resent me.

i know, for a therapist, i am flush with issues.

this is both
accurate
and
old
news.

but on sunday, for whatever reason, i allowed my friend kelly to respond to my weakness. she, like all of you, knows that i am supposed to be resting my body as much as possible. but what she also knows about me is that i am more likely to keep tromping along like nothing is wrong with me, so as not to be judged as being weak, or more likely, a drama queen. but she decided, on sunday, to give me what i needed. and that was a day of doing nothing. we spent hours on our respective couches. reading and watching movies. mostly watching movies. i did not even feel moderately compelled to get up from the couch when she started cooking lunch. not because i am lazy, but because i knew that the doctor wants me off of me feet as much as possible. and i know that kelly can handle making lunch for me, without my help, without so much as judging me or feeling resentful.

it was surprisingly easy. and i was really happy to have experimented with living honestly out of my needs and weaknesses. it felt authentic and true. and later that evening, around 7 pm, when we finally emerged from the pit of pajamas and films, i felt whole, well, rested, present and peaceful. i was funnier at the dinner party we attended than i have been in months.

it was like i was being rewarded for honoring myself by getting to see more of my true self emerge.

today . . .

2008-11-25T14:29:00.002-07:00

(first time messing around with mac photobooth. fun fun fun!)

at my mom's house in st. louis
curled up in a blanket
enjoying the quiet
made some art today
will go back to the studio and finish tomorrow
love that my mom has a little studio near her home
that i can just walk into
and play.
enjoying using bullet points!
going to my brother's b-day party tonight
. . . where all the guests will be getting unicorn tattoos . . .
yes.
you heard right.
he has rented out his favorite tattoo parlor
and they are all getting unicorn tattoos . . .
you know, "straight guy tattoos"!
notice i said "they" and not "we".
my unicorn thing ended in about 7th grade.
okay, maybe 9th.

dAy*SeVeN

2008-11-23T17:19:00.003-07:00

(from the top: butternut squash soup, braised red cabbage with goat cheese, brussel sprouts with almond and dried cranberries, spaghetti squash with shiraz kissed tomato sauce, and chicken sausage.)

when i was in elementary school,
we had a neighbor babysit us
and she insisted that i
eat
my
green
beans.

i told her i couldn't.
that i would gag them up.

she continued to insist.

i ate them.

and i then gagged them up . . .
all over her opened dishwasher door.

i have always been a woman of my word,
but eeeewww.

since then, i have expanded my
veggie repertoire
to include what i like to call
"veggies light".

i enjoy spinach salads
(as long as they are filled with nuts and gorganzola cheese!)
i love avocados,
onions,
mushrooms.

but i don't consider most of those
to be "real veggies"!

last week the doctor told me
that one thing that might really help my back pain
is to really start eating a diet free of inflammatory foods.
one way to do this
is to start eating gluten-free.
well, if you have been following this blog for long,
you know that i have tried that before.
it is difficult, but it is quite doable.

what did not feel very doable is that she
went onto explain that i need to cut out
just about everything . . .
my meals should include meat and vegetables.
my snacks are fruit.
no dairy
no soy
no corn
no sugar
no rice
no wheat
you get the picture.
again, i have tried something similar before.
and THAT was NOT doable for me!

the problem is that while i like
meat
and
fruit,
the main event is supposed to be vegetables.

i have spent the past three days resisting
and rebelling.
in fact, i have eaten chick-fil-A TWICE
since being put on this diet.
ahh, rebellion.
sweet rebellion.

but kelly,
being the lovely, caring kelly that she is,
decided that she wanted to see me succeed.

so today for lunch,
she made me the "Festival of Vegetables"!

she called herb after lunch
to proclaim that she had gone
where no man had gone before:
she fed me a mostly vegetarian meal . . .
and i ate it!

they laughed as she described
the look of terror in my eyes
as i sat down to a plate FULL of vegetables.
she explained that she lovingly included
one
lone
chicken
sausage
in the middle of the plate
to serve as a sort of familiar "home base"
when i got nervous or freaked out.

but i have to say,
while the sausage was a comforting sight,
i really enjoyed our lunch!
especially the braised red cabbage!
shocking!!!

maybe, just maybe, there is hope for me yet!!!

experimenting with joy: part i

2008-11-20T17:36:00.002-07:00

i heard a little bit of a stand up comedy routine
on the radio this week.
the guy said,
"yeah, my grandfather was weird.
he used to make me stand next to him
in a small room,
and we couldn't talk.
he said it was elevator practice."

well, lately, i have been practicing
saying "hi, how is your day going?"
when i am in the elevator.

and today i was rewarded with the sweetest gift!
the young woman standing next to me
hardly allowed me to finish my question
before she errupted with excitment:
"i am doing SO good!"
she grabbed her belly and continued,
"i get to find out what i am having!"

my eyes filled with tears!
i told her how excited i was
and thanked her for telling me!
i was still blubbering over her
as she got out of the elevator
and walked into her doctor's office!

what a treat!

dAyThReEaNd*fOuR

2008-11-20T17:30:00.002-07:00

well, day three was pretty tough.
i was experiencing some pain and discomfort,
which is normal with spinal decompression.
have you ever hung on a pull up bar at the park?
did you notice that you low back felt sore afterwards?
well, this process is not unlike hanging from a pull up bar.
it is meant to pull my vertabrae apart so that the discs can
be "sucked" back into the place they belong.
it also allows them to get "bathed" in the
water and nutrients that they have been deprived of for so long.
(you should see those sad little discs on my MRI -
they are all skinny and black . . . totally dehydrated! SAD!)

anyway, with the pain, and the difficulty of staying in bed,
i found myself sort of worried yesterday.
i was concerned that this process won't work.
worried that i will get my hopes up
but that nothing will happen.

but then . . .
day four rolled around . . .
and today i found myself very hopeful
as i walked into the building this morning . . .
very thankful
and very confident
that my body
will
be
healed!!!

i am grateful that there is a light
at the end of this painful tunnel.
and my heart was full
of that gratitude this morning!

love big RAK Winner!!!!!!!

2008-11-20T17:15:00.005-07:00

and with the help of an online random number generator . . .
the winner of my "love big" RAK is . . .

the lovely rhirhi!!!!
yeah!
alright lovely girl, i will send these out soon!
by the way, rhi made a fantastic video that is on her blog -
go check it out!
so creative . . .
i might need to give that project a shot . . .
i am so curious now about what my day "sounds like"!

love you rhi . . . so glad i get to send these cards to yoU!

dAy*TwO

2008-11-18T12:18:00.003-07:00

yesterday the doctor reinforced the importance
of lying down and letting my back rest
during the next six weeks.

this is not an easy task for me.
i am a putterer.
i putter.
i tried to explain this to the doctor
but he thought i was talking about golf.

i move around.
i try and be productive.
i have nervous energy.

and now i have to lay down.
all
the
time.

last night i was worried
about tuesday.
because tuesday is
laundry day.

but with all of the
running up and down the stairs,
changing loads,
bending over and standing up
over and over.
i was concerned.

but i didn't want to dump it on herb.
herb works so hard.
at home.
in the yard.
at work.
and taking care of our rental property.

the last thing i wanted was to give him
another task.
but i knew i needed to.

and he took it graciously.

i love that man.

thanks again for all of the warm wishes,
encouragement,
book suggestions,
and love!

you guys are awesome!

dAyOnE

2008-11-17T11:45:00.004-07:00

this morning was my first treatment for my bulging disks.
the doctors and staff are all very nice,
though we have a little cigarette smoke issue
that i am going to have to figure out with one of the techs.
it is not fun being strapped down for 30 minutes
by a person who had nicotine for breakfast!
especially if you are sensitive to smoke.
but otherwise, it went really well
and i came home and got right into bed.
well, onto bed, technically.

my heart is both skeptical and hopeful.
i can't believe that i might start living a life
that is not centered around trying to manage my pain!
it is hard to believe.
for years, i have tried various treatments.
i have prayed.
but nothing has changed.
so, it is a little bit hard to let myself fully open my heart up
to the possibility.
but underneath my skepticism,
i am a hopeful person.
so, under the cautious questioning,
i am thrilled!

i can't wait to get to know pain-free cara!
i bet she is a lot of fun!

today . . .

2008-11-16T12:21:00.004-07:00

(the makings for chicken tortilla soup)

(chili with a half bottle of honey beer stirred in for extra flava!)

i have spent the past two and a half hours
in the kitchen,
making food to freeze.
most of it is for herb to start taking lunches with him to work,
but it will also help to have some frozen meals
during my next six weeks
of back healing and recovery time!

i used to do this when i was single -
spend a sunday afternoon in the kitchen,
making food to freeze in single containers
so that i would have real meals
to take to work
or to eat at home at the end of the day.
i am all about preparing food ahead of time
so that busy days still have a little
home cooked loving
tucked in!

following through

2008-11-15T09:30:00.004-07:00

thank you all for your encouraging
comments and great suggestions
for passing the time between now and christmas!

i might actually break down
and read the twilight series!
almost a half dozen people have suggested
that i read it while i am down and out!
we'll see.

i went to the bookstore yesterday
and stocked up!
what i can find at the library, i plan to return.
otherwise, i am set!

you will be glad to know
that i asked for help yesterday!
i am hoping to cook a bunch of food
and freeze it this weekend.
but after my big food shopping spree yesterday,
i was totally wiped out.
so, i asked my neighbor
if i could borrow her girls to unload my car.

it was weird . . .
just sitting on the couch
while a 9 year old lugged in my bags.
she made sure to sigh with every load . . .
in true 4th grader style!
it was pretty amusing!

this weekend, herb is taking a motorcycle course
so that he can be legal when driving his new (bigger)scooter.
so, i am a bachelorette all weekend.
i hope to:
* pick up the house a little bit (especially the art space)
* buy a few new shirts and a pair of pants * check out library books
* write
* make some art
* cook meals to freeze

that should be MORE than enough
to keep me busy.
and since it is 9:30 am
and i am still in my jammies surfing the internet,
you can see i have not made a very fast go at it!
time to get moving!

thanks again for all of the love!
cara

Edited To Add:
i just finished surfing the denver public library's online goodness,
only to find that they have three of my books available
AT MY BRANCH
and the others are available at nearby branches.
i have placed holds on the ones that are not at my branch
and they will email me when they arrive
at the library in my neighborhood!
i love love love the public library system!!!
man, if this is socialism,
then we've got nothing to worried about
when it comes to nationalized healthcare!

bad news has never sounded so very very good!

2008-11-14T06:34:00.003-07:00

i had just turned 20 when it happened.
my mom and i were rear-ended . . .
on the highway.
there were no injuries
that i was aware of.

a few weeks later,
i started training at the gym
with my friend stephanie.
we both loved weight training
because it made us feel
like strong women.
(i don't think it is a coincidence
that we are both pychotherapists now.)

during this time,
my dad finally decided
that he did want the divorce.
and an entire year of negotiations
and waiting began.

it is hard to say what the culprit was,
but between an accident,
emotional stress,
and a few injuries at the gym,
i was soon living with lower back pain.

over the next year, the pain crept
all over my back and into
my neck and shoulders.
in the past 6 years,
the pain has translated into hip pain,
headaches,
shooting pains down my legs and sometimes arms,
and overall discomfort.
not to mention moodiness, fatigue, and brain fog.
oh, and i was diagnosed with fibromyalgia.

eleven years later,
i can honestly say
that i have done my very best
to live a full life,
despite the chronic pain.

i have been a swing dancer,
lived in mexico
where i did construction
and slept on a canvas cot,
waited tables at a restaurant,
put myself through grad school,
exercised regularly,
and pursued a career in counseling.

yesterday, herb and i looked at my MRI films
(how on earth i managed to go 11 years
without an MRI is beyond both of us!!!
i have tired so many things,
but never have i had an MRI).

while there,
we learned that i have been living
with two bulging discs.
they are small,
but over the years, they have become
so irritated
that i now have inflammation all over my body.
which would explain
(in MY opinion)
at least part of my fibromyalgia symptoms.
the inflammation is irritating my nerves.

oh, and all of that
"living a full life,
despite the fact that i am in pain?"
well, somewhere along the way,
i have managed to tear the ligament
that protects the discs that are bulging.

so, i have two bulging discs,
inflammation that has become systemic,
nerve irritation,
and two tears in the protective ligament of my discs.

wow, no wonder i have been tired and cranky for so long.

when the doctor left the room for a moment,
herb looked at me and said,
"you must be so happy!?!"

and it is true.
i am.
i am thrilled to know what is wrong with me.
it is hard on a girl's soul to feel sick all of the time,
but feel like she is without excuse.
for so long, i have been wanting a diagnosis.
because most of the time,
a diagnosis comes with a plan.

and a plan i have.
no, i won't be having back surgery.
but i will be following a very involved
non-surgical plan
that will hopefully find me pretty close to pain free
by christmas.

several times over the past year or two,
i have wondered,
"at what point will i just shut down
and say, i'm done? because sometimes i just can't
go anymore. sometimes the pain and fatigue
are so grand that i can't stand another minute
of obligation or even fun things that i want to do!"

but i knew i would never let myself do it -
just close the doors,
crawl into bed
and stay there until i got better.
because i didn't feel like i had a reason.
i didn't feel justified.

but now?
oh, i couldn't be happier to have been put
on major physical restriction!
and while i am nervous about not exercising for a month,
(you know, to protect my bulges and tears and irritation?)
i am thrilled to have been told that i don't need to be doing much more
than doing my treatments,
seeing a few clients at work,
and then going home to lay on my couch.

so that is the plan.
all new clients will be going to interns.
grocery shopping will be done
on the weekends,
when herb can help bring in the bags.
if i need to, i will hire someone to clean the house.
i probably won't,
but i feel total freedom to do so if i need to!!!

what is most unbelievable to me about all of this?
i have never lived a day as a pain-free adult!
the freedom and choices that come with adulthood
have all been viewed and made
through the lens of chronic pain!

the reality is,
while in many regards i am who i am,
and not much has changed since 2nd grade,
i don't know some very real parts of myself.
they have been muted by pain and fatigue.
my creative efforts have been limited.
and my moodiness and irritability
(though my family can tell you are not entirely new traits)
they have been highly exacerbated over the past decade.

my biggest hope is to uncover more of my vibrant self
during this process of healing.

so, this morning,
i am still in shock.
but my heart is beginning to rest.
i am so thankful to finally be on a path
towards whole health!

(if you have any ideas of ways i can entertain myself
while laying down or taking it easy,
please please please leave me a comment!
i have a very bad habit of watching hours of tv
and surfing the internet when i am supposed to be resting.
but i would really love to have some choices
that are somewhat stimulating and productive.
any help would just be the best!)

thanks friends, for reading this part of my story!
love,
cara

A LOVE RAK!!!

2008-11-11T16:44:00.005-07:00

Well, it is time for a RAK on this blog!

(set of 8 mini handmade post cards, each says "love big")

The last one was the bike RAK
and that was a little out of control!
(mostly because i didn't know what the give away was going to be!)

SO, In honor of the newest piece of art I have just finished,
(which you can see more of over at my shop),
i am doing a give away!

why don't you leave a comment telling me about
the most recent creative thing you have done -
it can be anything -
a meal you have cooked,
some art you made,
the way you rearranged the furniture,
even a clever way of handling an argument!
if you have a picture,
throw in the link just for fun!

My random number generator will pick a winner,
who will win a set of 8 mini postcards
from my esty shop!!!

sTeP*OnE

2008-11-07T11:08:00.003-07:00

I just got off of the phone with April
from Alternatives Pregnancy Center.
I will be going over there next week for a tour
and to get set up as a volunteer.

I know we don't all have a million extra hours
just floating around
to volunteer
or try to make change,
but I have to say,
I was SO amazed to hear that I can actually
volunteer on their help line
FROM HOME!

I was also encouraged to hear that I was
just
one
among
many
people who have called this week
to volunteer
as a response to the election of Barack Obama.
Apparently I was the only one of the bunch
who voted for Obama,
but the rest said,
"Okay, this was not my choice in president,
so now it is time to get up
and do something
so that my voice
and values are heard."

That is so cool!

Alright, now we are off to the mountains to celebrate our anniversary!
What are YOU doing for fun this weekend???

The Risks of Drinking A Smoothie While Fighting

2008-11-07T10:24:00.003-07:00

SO, just in time for our anniversary celebration,
i have a great marriage story . . .

So, a week ago, Herb and I were in an argument. It was the kind that we should have taken a break from, because NOBODY was winning. He made a comment that was intended to make me feel heard and loved, but I was so irritated by that point, so I just got angrier. I slammed my breakfast smoothie (homemade, no preservatives . . . ) onto the counter. I noticed a little splashed onto my sleeve and wiped what spilled off of the counter.

Fast forward a few days. I was walking through the living room a noticed that something smelled like puke. I told our roommate/basement renter that there was an odd smell, but that I couldn't figure out where it was coming from. "Yeah," she said, "I thought I smelled something. it reminded me of when my mom would cut up papya - and i always thought that smelled like puke."

Later that night, I smelled it again, but only in the middle of the living/kitchen area. Herb couldn't smell it. All week the smell progressed and seemed to "move around" the main floor. Gross. Herb still couldn't smell it. This morning, he walked inside after taking care of the car and finally, he got a BIG wiff. And when a man whose sniffer doesn't work all that well can smell the mysterious traveling puke smell, you KNOW it is not in your imagination and it is time to get serious!

That is when the real investigating began. We checked the heat vents - no odor. We checked for a sewer back up - nope. I was just about ready to scrub the floors when herb noticed some greyish purple spots on the ceiling above our breakfast bar. We were both thinking some sort of scary mold or something. I climbed up and realized that the spots had berry seeds in them . . . not unlike the berry seeds in my smoothie the morning i therw my temper tantrum last week!!!!

SO, basically, I got angry and as a result, I had fresh fruit ROTTING on my CEILING! Thankfully, we have now located the smell, and JUST IN TIME to prevent me from scrubbing the floors! :)

***nUmBEr*tHreE***

2008-11-06T22:00:00.001-07:00

photo credit: kelly jackson

three years ago yesterday,
we were doing this!

to my man who i do this dance with,
each
and
every
day,
i love you very much.

love,
cara

In Response

2008-11-06T08:24:00.005-07:00

NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: This post is NOT intended to become an open debate on any political issue . . . only to try and unify us. So, please note now that any negative or debate related comments will kindly be deleted in pursuite of keeping the focus on moving forward with what we have. Thank you!

WOW! What a week, huh?
Barack Obama is the next president . . .
OUR next president!

There are so many feelings about this
among Americans.
So many people I know are excited
and so many are sad and scared . . . feeling small and hopeless.

I want to thank all of the blogs I have read
of people who didn't want a President Obama,
but have graciously said, "So, now we pray and pitch in."
Thank you thank you thank you.
Not because I voted for Obama,
but because that is the heart we must
ALL have if this is going to work.
Thank you for setting that example for all of us.

My friend Dave asked me if I would be blogging about Obama's win.
I told him that I just wanted to say this:

"Regardless of who we voted for, it is up to us to make change in this country.
Nothing will change if we don't change.

If there will be any change in this country,
we must have a strong leader.
And I hope that is what we have.
But, change will ONLY happen
because of US.
We must all knock the dust off our boots and get our hands dirty.
It does not matter how good a leader
a man (or woman) is.
Unless we contribute,
nothing will happen.
And when we don't agree with him,
that is okay,
we are not impotent.
Then, we must find ways to make our voice, views, and needs
heard, seen, realized.

Either way,
the ONLY way this country will see change
(ANY kind of change)
will be if we jump in."

Then I read this article over at Relevant Magazine's website,
and I just had to post it here because she said
everything I wanted to say with such grace and clarity.

Please take a few minutes to read it (I have posted it below).
It is totally worth it.
AND THEN, please, post a
positive, hopeful comment
about what you might like to do this year
to see the change you want to see in our country!

(ME? I am thinking about volunteering as a counselor with our local alternative pregnancy center, which offers women education and support on options. Because I want to see Obama's charge and desire to decrease abortions come to light.)

Thanks everyone!

America Chooses Obama
By Roxanne Wieman

Well, here we are on the other side. A watershed moment. An historic election. And we, the American people, have made our choice.
Barack Obama will be the 44th President of the United States, and the nation’s first black president. And in elections across the country, Democrats won their seats in the Senate. When Obama takes office in January, he will do so with a Democratic majority in both houses of Congress.

“The American people have spoken, and spoken clearly,” McCain told his supporters in Arizona after the results came in.
But what about you?
Those of you who took our RELEVANT poll yesterday favored McCain: 47 percent of you voted for the Arizona Senator and 33 percent of you for Obama. So, are you disappointed? Will you hang your heads today? Do you fear for our nation’s future? I’m not so sure.
So many of us—members of the widely contested “young evangelical voters”—were divided about this election. Not just as a group, but even in our own hearts. I know which candidate I chose, but it wasn’t an easy decision. And, to be honest, I didn’t really care who won. I agreed with both. I disagreed with both.

What I’m wondering now is where do we go from here?
While the electoral vote and popular vote strongly favored Obama, our country is still largely divided. This was a hard-fought, personal and passionate race. There are wounds on both sides. Can Obama and the Democratic congress heal those wounds? Can we help?

Yes and yes.
Obama ran as a unifier. He condemned our party divisions and championed cooperation across party lines. Many of the Democrats who won seats in the Senate ran with similar platforms. If Obama and the Congress majority maintain that position and “reach across the aisle” in the years to come, that will certainly go a long way in healing our wounds and unifying our country. Karl Rove has already expressed his own wish that the Republicans would do the same, "I hope we will support [Obama] when we agree with him, persuade him when we think his mind is open, and oppose him when we think he is wrong.

"Whether unity happens in Washington or not, the question still returns to us: what can we do to help? As Francis Schaeffer so famously put it, “How shall we then live?” Now that the election is over and Obama and the Democrats have so clearly won, how shall we then live? I believe that we, the young Christian voters, can uniquely answer this question. I believe, in fact, that this is the very question we are so primed to answer. Because this election and its profound life issues has galvanized us to true action.
Yes, we voted. But it’s more than that. Through this election, we’ve become aware of the major social issues of our day. And now we want to do something about them. We recognize an election will not change everything. We do not rest our hopes for change on a political party or candidate. We vote, we hope, but we don’t stop there. Tomorrow and the next day and the next and in January when Obama takes office, we get up and we continue our sojourn to follow Jesus. We live our votes for life, for justice, for peace, for equality.

We comfort our friend who tells us she’s considering abortion. Then we gently tell her why we believe life in the womb is precious. We help her find alternative options … and we stick by her side all through the pregnancy and birth and after. She is not a statistic or a faceless evil to us.

We love beyond racial, gender and sexual lines. We reject stereotypes. We embrace individuals. We work for reconciliation.

We do not talk about “that side of town,” we live there and work there and mentor there. We are a part of educational reform, and ESL, and rehabilitation.

We recycle. We reduce our imprint. We consciously make our purchases, recognizing the global implications. We strive to “live simply that others may simply live” (Ghandi).

We personally pray for our soldiers in Iraq, for the citizens of Iraq, for our leaders who are making tough decisions that affect millions of lives. We really do pray, and we believe our prayers matter.

We continue to work hard in the jobs God has given us, saving our money and stewarding our resources. We tithe. We donate. We volunteer.

We continually challenge each other to deepen our understanding of whole life ethics and Jesus’ call to follow Him.

I believe this is who we are. I believe this is who you are. I believe we can be the change we’ve voted for—no matter who we voted for.

etsyetsyetsy

2008-11-05T14:04:00.002-07:00

SURPRISE!
it is time for an etsy shop update!

a long time . . .

2008-10-30T18:40:00.008-06:00

it has been too long since my last post.
how can i make this up?
well, how about a long over due catch up post?

some things going on . . .

* i voted today.

they have one of the local side streets
turned into a drive-by drop off
for mail in ballot voters -
brilliant!

* fall here seems to be going on
forever and ever this year!

the weather in colorado is always magical,
but this year it seems like we are getting
a little extra scoop of magic!

* our roommate kristen and I
went swing dancing on tuesday night.
we have both known how to lindy hop for years,
(i started after 9/11 . . . like, two days later)
but we have not gone in a long time.
so tuesday was the night and it was so much fun!
i LOVE to dance!
staying out way past my bed time . . .
well, that will need to be rectified.

some favorite things . . .

* we have been playing a lot of scrabble around here.

we set the game up and then sit down
for 30 minutes here and there.
otherwise, i get kind of bored and it is not as fun.

* google reader.
enough said.
totally in love.

* the mystery of marriage

this is a wonderful book for anyone who wants more than
a handful of simple steps to a better marriage.
it ain't for wimps, that is for sure,
(this is my third attempt at the thing,
and it is only working because
i am using a pen to underline as i go)
but it is a poetic attempt
at understanding and explaining
what marriage actually is.
beautiful! (*sigh*)

* reading aloud to each other.
we started this over the summer.
it is so much fun!

* kashi TLC party crackers

seriously, i have never before
swooned over a cracker . . .
until NOW, that is!

beautiful*tams

2008-10-19T08:17:00.006-06:00

remember when tams and i went running around denver
and she took some amazing pictures of me?
it was so fun!
it made me feel SO beautiful.
there is just something about having a friend you trust
"show" you how beautiful you are
by taking great pictures of you.
it was a gift.

yesterday, it was tamara's turn.
now, please keep in mind that i have not learned
how to use photoshop yet -
like, not even a little bit -
so i hope to play with these eventually,
but i just could not wait to share them here!

tamara has such a quiet beauty
that i was hoping to capture.
every one of these photos of tams are fun and beautiful,
(because she is fun and beautiful!)
but i feel like a few of them stand out and
really really really capture her essence -
and that was just what i was hoping to do!

she is so lovely!
and i am so thankful to have a friend
that i can creatively collaborate with
so easily
so freely.

and it is so so so fun!

rhirhiday*day

2008-10-11T16:22:00.006-06:00

dear rhi rhi,
do you want to know the benefit
of having a friend
who is 7 hours behind you?

when you wake up in the morning,
you will find, it was still your
birthday
whilst
you
were
sleeping!

happy day, beautiful!

see meknow melove me

2008-10-11T09:19:00.005-06:00

i woke up this morning
to find this picture in my inbox
sent from my sweetie last night.

it evoked that feeling we all long for.
to be seen.
to be known.

at the same time,
my experience has been
(in multiple relationships)
that the more i am seen,
the more i am known,
the more i am risking.

to be totally seen
creates opportunity
for the "seer" to not like
what
they
see.

the thing we long for the most
might be the most dangerous.

but last night,
he saw me.

and he liked what he saw.
and that was like sweet healing balm
on a heart that is feeling pretty undone this fall.

(and yes, that is raven black SHORT hair you are seeing! proper pics to come soon.)

mOoChMoOcH

2008-09-30T14:24:00.003-06:00

so, this weekend we are having a garage sale.
the basement is flush with all of our old
(and some new, because we sort of used retail therapy to lick our wounds during that first, tumultuous year of marriage. oops.)
goodies that we don't use anymore.

there is the requisite waterford crystal
from our wedding
(which i might try and eBay instead)
the high heeled shoes i keep buying
even though i know i can't wear
high heeled shoes.

random fiestaware
and mismatched barware
but don't worry,
no underwear!

there are clothes
and hats
and random lamps.

but yesterday,
with the help of our roommate, kristen,
i came to the sad realization that i can't make much money
from our books.

a dollar per paperback,
kristen said.
and when kristen talks
about garage sales,
i listen.
she knows things.

and only $3 per hardback.

we have books.

let me tell you,
we have books.

part of the reason we are having this sale
is because have run out of room
on
our
bookshelves
for
our
many
many
books.

b.0.o.k.s

earlier in the year,
i declared a household freeze on book buying.
library books only.
and then,
only then,
if you really loved the book,
you can buy it from half.com

herb agreed.

then promptly forgot that he agreed.
awesome.

anyway,
we have books.
lots of books.
and we like books.
lots of books.

we pulled out over 40 books to sell
at the garage sale.

and as i looked at them
all lined up
beautiful and booklike
in their selling box,
i started to worry.

over $500 worth of books
and i MIGHT get $75 for them.

ugh.

but today,
i found
bookmooch

seriously.
i love this sight.
and the name of the sight.
love it.

all you do is load your books into your "inventory"
and you earn points.
then people send a message saying they want your book.
and you earn more points.
so great.
then, you take all of your beautiful points
and you mooch books from other people.

i love this.
community.
recycling.
books.

i have,
in the past hour and a half,
already earned 17 points!
that's right,
i have had requests for
TEN books!
at least three or four of them
came just in the five minutes
i have been writing this blog entry.

i will be sending
chic lit
and cook books
and random books written by local pastors
that were just being given out for free one day.

so, on thursday morning,
i will be taking a big beautiful armful
of books wrapped in brown paper bags
and sending them to
new york
and canada
california
and minnesota . . .

so great.
so very very very great.

go, check it out.

so far*so hard

2008-09-25T12:07:00.004-06:00

(a little attempt at some self portrait love - to show off the current hair color and my new sweater from the GAP. who doesn't love a short sleeve sweater with an enormous cowl neck? the irony of it all is too fun!)

oh man,
this weight watchers thing!

i have to say:
i like food.
i like bread
and meat
and cheese.
i like golden olive oils
in which i can dip
decadent
breads
and meats
and cheeses.

weight watchers
likes "light" breads
and tiny "low carb, high fiber" tortillas.
lean meats that have not been cured to perfection
and fat-free cheeses.

fat-free cheeses?

i don't even know what that means.

does anyone know what that means?

going easy on desserts is okay.
limiting the alcohol a bit has proved to be just fine.

but it is the
actual
consumption
of
foods
that
i
want
to
eat
that i am having a bit of a problem with.

when i went to the gym to "weigh in" yesterday
i was pleasently surprised to have lost 1/2 a pound.
yep.
you heard me.
one half.

now, really, the first week on a diet,
i should have lost between 3-6 pounds.
and then after that,
it should steady out to 1 or 2 pounds each week.

but i sort of "eased into it" last week.
it was a "sort start", if you will.
and you might as well;
i did.
i tried to watch portions
and made some changes here and there.
but i didn't worry too much about
following all of the rules.

i did add fat free chocolate milk.
that was fun.
i was actually concerned that i may have
put on a few
from all of the fat free chocolate milk i consumed.

so, here i am.
week one down.
and i would throw in the towel
if i hadn't signed up for the three month plan.
not even because it is too hard.
it really isn't.
i just, honestly, don't want to do it.
i like eating what i like eating.

that is precisely WHY i signed up for the three month plan.

because i am fully aware
of how much i like
bread
and meat
and cheese.

hAppYHaPPyfRiDay

2008-09-12T11:14:00.005-06:00

so, i totally love this pic
taken by tams!
if you know denver at all,
you know that this pic sums it all up:
we are down to earth with just the right
amount of fancy mixed in!

we are so excited for kevin and latonya to get here.
we plan on doing a whole lot of
lounging in the back yard
with pumpkin ales
and roasted corn on the cob.
(that is, if ike settles down a little!
yes, we are getting "his" backlash even up here!)

what are YOU doing this weekend?

(ps - if you are following my weight watchers adventure, you should know that while i was typing the post about joining, my payment was going through via online registration. and then the page failed. i tried again yesterday, but it failed again. i have called in the tech support troops from the good folks at Weight Watchers, and hopefully they will get me up and running in no time! If you are joining me, what is one thing you are going to do for your body this weekend? I am going to exercise tomorrow morning!)

they are almost here!

2008-09-11T19:25:00.002-06:00

(photo taken right after latonya found the first beer that she likes! fall 2006)

these two people are some of the best i know.
tonight they are driving to austen,tx.
tomorrow they are hopping on a plane.
and by evening, they will be in our arms.
we just can't wait!

you wanna hear the skinny?

2008-09-10T13:24:00.005-06:00

(happy skinny cara - circa november 4, 2006)

well, here we go . . .

when i was in ninth grade,
i had my thighs grabbed by a boy.
i was wearing fantastic black & white
houndstooth leggings
and a black & white color block top
(it was 1991, please give me a break).

in the middle of freshman science,
damien approached me
with a comment about my jello thighs
and the proceeded to grab them.

that was the first time i was aware of my body.
and all of a sudden,
it was not good enough.

at 5'6" and 125-30 pounds,
i was bigger than most girls my age.
if i had waited for a few years,
everyone would have caught up.
that shape and size would have been just right.

instead, i started buying into the idea that my body
was not good enough.

my mom, in effort to support me
and help me learn how to eat right,
took me to Weight Watchers.

she has since apologized for this,
acknowledging that i was too young
and that it started me down a bad path
and that it communicated that i was not
good enough just the way i was.
(i have seen pictures of myself in swimsuits from this era -
believe me - i would kill to look like that!!! i was JUST FINE.)

but this was the beginning of years of dieting.

i never got into eating disorder territory,
but i did wake up every morning wondering
my freshman year in college,
"what will i do today that is going to make me even bigger?
i totally don't know how to take care of myself
and i will ruin it yet again today."

it was sad.

eventually, i stopped caring.
stopped dieting.
in effort to communicate to myself
that i was OKAY and didn't need to change a thing,
i ate whatever i wanted.
i put on weight.

but i never stopped wanting to feel better
about how i looked
and how i felt.

two years ago,
in an effort to curb some of my brain fog
and chronic fatigue,
i made a drastic change in diet.
i had been diagnosed with candida
which is essentially a massive yeast overgrowth
in the gut
that is caused my way too much sugar.

so i stopped eating anything that would
cause yeast to grow.
no sugar.
no wheat.
very little dairy.
minimum amounts of alcohol.

it was very strict.
but i figured out how to do it well
and still enjoy eating.
flank steak,
guacamole,
brown rice,
fistfulls of almonds
that began to taste as sweet as honey,
as i was weaning my body off of sugar.

i lost buckets of weight.
it just melted off.
in 8 weeks, i lost around 25 pounds.

the reason i was able to do it?
because i was not trying to loose weight.
i didn't have my brain
or my self-sabotage unit
to stand in my way.

the bonus?
i felt and looked great!

but as soon as the prescribed three month diet ended,
i went back to my old ways.
and to my old weight.

for less than one year, i enjoyed being skinny.
i was 150 pounds and i felt so good!
i bought a red bikini
and wore it on vacation in mexico with herb.
i was out of my size 14's that i bought
the previous year
because literally none of my clothes would fit,
and back in my size 12 jeans
(the size i seem to be - from 130-165 pounds,
i almost always fit into size 12 jeans)
and i felt amazing!
it was SO FUN!

so here i am.
in less than a year, i gained back 25 pounds
and one or two extra friends that they brought along.
i am pushing 180.
and the thought of getting pregnant in the next year or two
is a little scary.

i have tried to go back to the candida diet.
but knowing that i am doing it for weight loss trips me up.
i just can't do it.

so, i am doing something i never thought i would.
i am going back to where it all started.
today, i joined Weigh Watchers.
and instead of doing it with the attitude of,
"i have to do this because i am not good enough the way i am."
i am going to approach it like this,
"because i am totally worth
being healthy,
looking great,
feeling good,
and frankly,
being damn hot
enough to get back into that red bikini that i love so much,
i am doing this!"

so, who's in?
let's try and loose 10% of our body weight by christmas!
are you with me?
(for me, that is around 18 pounds - only about 1 pound a week - totally doable!)

the creative type: prompt 2

2008-09-09T17:32:00.002-06:00

go check out prompt #2 over at The Creative Type Blog!
seriously, i can't get over how talented all of the women on the team are!
and hey, play along too!
this is a great blog for people who don't consider themselves
scrapbookers, but who really like to play with writing, fonts, and journaling!

this particular layout cracks me up . . .
i love the layout, but once i re-read the prompt
and started seeing other people's examples,
i realized that i totally didn't understand what we were being asked to do!
oh my.
anyway, my favorite font is american typewriter.
i didn't write about why
or how i relate to it (oopsie!)
but i do love how traditional it is -
like a link to our past . . .
and that is exactly what this page is about.

so, there you go!

and here is the bio i did for The Creative Type.
just a few little tidbits about moi!

PS - i made some beatiful homemade mac & cheese for lunch yesterday!
so stay tuned for the easy recipe . . . soooon!

words & tunes

2008-09-09T16:11:00.006-06:00

(photo by t amara)

tuesdays are a good day for wise words
and sweet music.

in light of the post i wrote last week
about "treadmill love",
i think this quote from Captain Corelli's Mandolin
is a good follow up . . .

“Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are.
Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two.”

and some music for you . . .
i told herb just the other day
that if i could only listen to one album
for the rest of my life,
that it would be
"Berlin Serengeti"
by Radio Citizen

seriously, this stuff can match
any mood -
angsty,
sad,
groovy,
light hearted,
road trip-y,
sexy,
mellow,
celebratory . . .

it is all there.

so, go, enjoy!

what is the one album YOU could listen to over and over and over again, if you could only pick one to listen to for the rest of your days?

* cOmE, CoMe, OH fAll!!! *

2008-09-05T10:51:00.004-06:00

(photos taken fall 2007)

i love that warm/cool feel that the air holds during this magical season.
i love the way the sunlight hits everything
in a way that makes it look more beautiful,
stronger,
more vibrant.
amber and orange and warm.
cozy and yummy and safe.
looking back.
looking forward.
sweaters and scarfs and mugs
that fit just right in the hand.
soup and hot apple cider.

what do YOU love about fall?

tReaDmiLL*loVe

2008-09-05T07:50:00.006-06:00

(photo by kellyjackson.com)

lately, that day has felt really far away.
and maybe it is supposed to.
it was, after all, a ceremony.
a party.
i was wearing a dress unlike any other
that i had worn before
or will wear again.
it was fireworks
and rainbows
and ponies.
and most of life is,
well, more like a treadmill.
a treadmill with really beautiful moments
along the way . . .
if you look real close, that is.
it is a series of taking out the trash,
going to the gym,
unloading the dishwasher.
sprinkled in is a great book,
a cup of delicious tea
(so delicious it makes you stop
and think of nothing
but how delicious it is),
a tender moment
in the kitchen
with you husband.
but really,
mostly,
it is a treadmill.

and it is painful sometimes.

this week, i have been listening
to the album i listened to four falls ago,
when i was falling in love
with herbert karl harjes.
one moment more,
by mindy smith,
filled my car those late summer and early fall days,
as i drove my silver honda civic
up a colorful mountain road
to work each day.
the words to "falling"
massaged my heart,
they were a map,
a guide.
they told me all about what was happening to me.
and it was beautiful
and scary
and mysterious
and terrifying.
it was not a treadmill.

but we are in love now.
and we are married.
like, really really married.
if there is a picture of him in the house,
i probably took it.
if my breakfast dishes got washed,
it was probably by him.

and we, mostly, know what is going to
happen
each
day.

and sometimes,
THAT is what is terrifying.

but then i talked to the three girls.
the only three girls
that have known me since i was 19.
the three girls pictured above,
beginning second from the left.
sarah
mikki
and
latyona.
not the order they are pictured in.
but the order i say their names.
it is just who they are to me.

and yesterday, when the treadmill became so terrifying
that my heart was physically aching,

they called me.
one at a time,
they called.
to talk to any of them in a given week is rare.
to talk to all of them on the same day
is a gift.
it is the beauty on the treadmill.

and they reminded me who i am
and who herb is.
and it was a relief.

and a reminder.

we need reminders.

this post was a reminder too.
full of life and hope and terrifying treadmill moments.

even the picture above is a reminder.
you'll notice that herb is on the bride's side
and i am on the groom's.
our friend jim,
who married us,
is brilliant and wise
and he did that on purpose.
we started the ceremonies on "our own sides"
and then after the salt covenant,
we changed sides.
as if to say,
"your side is my side
and your people are my people
and everywhere you are,
i will be."

it is all sort of romantic and whimsical
on paper.
in reality, it can be quite terrifying.
and messy.
really messy.
and sometimes boring.
but looking at the picture reminded me,
"its okay. because this is the way it was meant to be.
you did this on purpose. this is actually what you were going for."

and that helps.

father fitzgerald and herb's golden ticket

2008-09-03T06:52:00.003-06:00

last week i volunteered at the DNC.
no, that doesn't mean i am a flaming democrat.
and it doesn't mean i am staunch republican.
what it means is,
i am a person who
sees a strong leader in senator obama,
who is curious about what will happen
if our country tries something new,
who is willing to pay a little more,
so others can have a little more,
a person who is proud of her city,
and wanted to show it off
and provide a warm welcome to our 50,000 visitors.

getting tickets to obama's speech
on thursday night appeared to be
very challenging.
there were all sorts of misconceptions
(and maybe intentional false rumors)
flying around the city regarding tickets.
there was talk of each ticket
being registered to each individual.
bar codes that would be scanned.
doors to the stadium locked by 2pm,
leaving the eager obama-nites
waiting a good 5 hours for his appearance.

it turns out that the night of the event,
tickets were flying around like a pack of pigeons on speed
and the doors didn't close until obama took the stage.

all along, i had a feeling that my volunteer post
doing hospitality at a local hotel
was probably not very necessary
during the 5-9pm shift i was assigned on thursday night.
but at the absence of the golden ticket, i went.

around 5:30, a very disheveled older man returned to the hotel.
with a college sweatshirt carelessly slung over
his black suit clad shoulders,
he stumbled towards the lobby's microwave
and began (perhaps for the first time?)
to decipher to directions on the box of
a sara lee frozen apple tart.

"can i just put this in there like this?",
he asked jodi and i,
holding the unopened box up for our examination.
not pleased with our answer,
he asked "well, then, can i eat it like it is?"

now, even more deflated that it was frozen
and wouldn't taste very good,
he slouched on a bar stool
while he waited for what was, i would guess,
one of his first microwave meals,
to finish cooking.

it turns out, Father Fitzgerald was at the convention
to let Catholics know that it is okay to be pro-life
and still stand with the democratic party.
his aunt had been a delegate when he was 8 years old,
and he made a promise to himself that day,
as she told her stories,
that he would sometime attend a democratic convention.
that was 1940.

so here he stood, in 2008,
not among the throngs of onlookers
sharing a piece of important american history in the making,
but in a hotel lobby with two 30-somethings
and a frozen apple pie.

Father Fitzgerald has a bad knee.
much too bad to stand in the long lines
required to get into invesco field.
at a friend's ill advice, he decided to take a private driver
instead of the shuttle
that could have taken him directly to guest services,
where he could have gotten a nice wheelchair.

he made the wrong choice, he said.
that kind of stuff just happens sometimes, he said.

he looked like,
for a moment,
that the life had been drained from him.
quickly forgiving myself for being just one step
above someone who steals wallets from
the bodies of murder victims on the streets,
instead of calling the police,
i quietly walked over to Father Fitzgerald
and
i
asked
him
for
his
golden
ticket.

"it's for my husband", i explained,
"it would just make his year!"

"how would he get there?" the tired priest asked.
"cars can't get anywhere near the stadium and the lines are very long."

"his bike."

seemingly appeased with my answer,
without words,
he took his ticket,
no,
his PRESS PASS,
from the plastic pocket on his lanyard
and slid it across the table.

i was at once ecstatic and heart broken.

i began to back peddle.
after clarifying that there was
NO way to get the priest
to the stadium
(can we borrow a wheelchair from the hotel?
do we know anyone with a wheelchair?
do we have access to a flight for life helicopter?)
i scampered outside, so as not to gloat, to call herb.

"sweetie, if you are willing to be a representative
of the American Catholics tonight,
and you can be here in 10 minutes
to get your ticket,
you are going to the speech!"

"really!?!?!?
i LOVE the Catholics.
i'm on my way."

by the time i went back inside,
Father was gone.

my heart ached.
ACHED.

herb was thrilled.
THRILLED.

and i found myself ecstatic.
more ecstatic than if i had ditched jodi
and taken the ticket for myself
(a thought that crossed my mind,
and hers too, i am sure.)

the look on his face,
the way he grabbed me and held me,
the way he thanked me.
it was the best feeling i have had
in
a
long
time -
to make someone i love so much,
so incredibly excited and happy!

this is, i thought, what true love is.
it is when you feel happier,
more content,
to give something
to the person you love
than you would have been
to
have
kept
it
for
yourself.

i walked him to his scooter
and returned to the lobby.
my chest hurt.
for all of my grown life,
i have experienced this odd,
extremely painful feeling
when i see people disappointed.
when i see people embarrassed.
when i see people who
should be embarrassed
but don't realize it.

many years ago,
i watched a group of young asian tourists
walking around the pedestrian mall in Boulder,
asking strangers if they could interview them.
they were practicing their english
by asking silly questions like,
"do you like star wars?"
to disinterested white people
who have been trained to be closed and cold
and internally skeptical of everyone.

i felt so sorry for them.
that they didn't know
that americans are not nice.
that they didn't know they would be made fun of later
over expensive cocktails
drank by insensitive cocks.

i felt so sad for them.
and maybe i shouldn't have, but i did.
i felt like they were being silly,
embarrassing themselves,
without knowing it.
i felt like the enthusiastic grins on their faces
were just making the whole scene so much worse.
i wanted to disappear.
my heart was in physical pain.

this is only the second time i have told this story;
the first was to my therapist.
and even now, i have never adequately expressed
why it hurt so bad,
what happened inside me
that day.

that same terrible feeling flooded my body;
i held back tears.
instead, i asked the front desk to call
the lanky old man's hotel room.

"Father Fitzgerald?
it's Cara Harjes.
from the lobby.
thanks again for the ticket.
herb is so happy.
he came inside
to thank you
but you were gone.
so, thank you.
can i buy you dinner?
a hamburger,
a steak,
a pizza?
anything you'd like.
no?
okay, well,
if you would like
some company,
we're down here."

my heart still ached.

an hour or so later,
jodi was packing her bags
because it was senseless
for her not to watch the rally
on TV at home with her family.

Father Fitzgerald sauntered into the lobby,
looking a bit more alive than before.
i hoped that while he was presumably
upstairs asking God to comfort him,
that he remembered to ask for forgiveness for me
and my tendency to steal candy from babies
and tickets to democratic conventions
from geriatric priests.

"can you please find me some ice for my knee, cara?"

um, yes.
would you like me to walk up into the rocky mountains
and gather water from a fresh snow capped mountain fed lake
and then forge an ice cube tray from the earth?
because i would have.

instead, i found a plastic bag
and filled it from the machine in the hallway.
it worked just as well.

so jodi left,
and the Father and i sat in the lobby,
talking about books
and politics
and just a little bit of our life stories.
then we watched senator obama talk about hope
and change
and new life.

and it was very very good.

pHoTo*sHooT

2008-09-02T16:13:00.002-06:00

the lovely miss tams and i took saturday afternoon to run around the city and find cool spots to take pictures. tamara is working on her photog skills . . . and me, well . . . i just like having my picture taken!

drinking it all in

2008-08-28T08:45:00.002-06:00

so i was looking for pictures of sabrina ward harrison's work and i stummbled onto this blog i am sitting on my couch, stinky from my walk/jog/walk/jog and needing to go get dressed and ready for work but instead i am oogeling over amazing, creative women. *sigh*

enjoy the day!
cara

tWeeTtwEEtohsosweet

2008-08-28T06:06:00.001-06:00

go now to tams'
beautiful etsy shop and check out all of her adorable new bird prints!
she is so fantastic!
i have been longing for a creative pal in denver to play with
to paint with
and take pictures with
and just sort of co-exist with in our own, odd, world
in which everything is seen through a creative eye.

and then i spent saturday night with tams
and i remembered
i have that kind of a friend.
we just forget to hang out often enough.

i hope to sit on inner tubes with her and vito and herb
this weekend;
floating down a creek and drinking late summer beers.

iNspIRemEpLeASe

2008-08-25T08:21:00.004-06:00

just a few things that have stood out
over the past few days . . .

kate bingaman-burt is an artist
who also has a site called obsessive consumption.
kate draws all of the purchases she makes
and will do so until her credit card is paid off.

i think if i did this it would really make me think.
sort of like keeping a food journal . . .
like, "do i really want to write down that i
just ate an extra large deep fried banana split
topped with a chili dog and dipped in chocolate?"
only it would be more like,
"do i really want to draw the fact that i just
purchased season 3 of fraggle rock and 16 laundry baskets?"
very interesting concept, indeed, and very much in line
with a lot of things i have been thinking about lately
and will blog about soon.

this morning i stumbled upon
miss olivia bee.

(be sure to check out olivia's flikr feed. for some reason, i couldn't post pics from her feed to my blog, so these are both pics from the red velvet blog. her feed has so many more amazing pics to drool over!)

after reading this great interview
with olivia over at the red velvet art inspo site,
i was blown away
and totally inspired to be a parent!
olivia is only 14 years old
and somewhere along the way,
whether it was at home or somewhere else,
she found the freedom and the confidence
to become a creative bomb!

it makes me so happy that there are kids out there,
while still unencumbered by the "to do's" of daily adult life
are putting creativity and winsome exploration
of the world around them
at the foundation of who they are
and how they view life and the world.

i have a strong desire to be the kind of parent
and create the kind of home
that grows up cool kids who are creative
and just the right amount of crazy.

it also inspires me to keep pushing my own creative limits
and see how far i can go.

and the thing i really love about these two artists
is that they both have fantastic names!

gigposterinspiration

2008-08-24T12:52:00.004-06:00

there is all sorts of crazy inspiration going on
over at the cReaTivE tYPe blog

go check it out!

iWrite: another exciting announcement!

2008-08-23T13:31:00.003-06:00

a few cool things today . . .

either blogger just got fancy OR i just got concious.
because i finally figured out how to use different fonts and colors
and even numbered lists in my blog entries!
my friend jenn wrote a book
it is for sale on amazon

once the book is released,
and the website goes live,
jenn and tara will be selling
curriculum for small group leaders.
this will be in the form of 8-12 week
bible studies that anyone can download
(for a very reasonable fee)
and easily use to facilitate meaningful conversation
about any book in the bible.

and the cool thing?
i am a part of their writing team!
this summer, i have been writing a study on
the book of hosea.
it had been a few years since i had read hosea
and let me tell you . . .
there is some crazy stuff in that book.
but ultimately, it is a love story.
and who doesn't like a good love story?

so, that should be it for a while on the
"big announcement" front . . .
unless of course the phone call
i got this morning pans out.
the jeweler who sold us our wedding rings
is looking for couples to feature
on their web site under"love stories",
which we are going to do.
but they might also use us for a little sound bite
on one of their new radio ads.
pick us, i say!
who would be cuter,
funnier,
more banter-ier than
herb & cara harjes?

no one i tell you.
no one.

happy saturday!
cara

HEYHEYHEY!

2008-08-22T17:46:00.001-06:00

last week i said i had a little secret . . .
well, here it is:

for the first time,
i have joined a design team.
what that means is that i will be designing
examples of artwork and layouts
based on weekly (yes, WEEKLY!)
prompts that will be given
over at this new challenge blog!

there are about a million designers
(okay, more like 20)
which means we can provide you
with all sorts of crazy inspiration
on a regular basis
because there are so many of to share the load!

so go now, and go often!

are YOU the creative type?

not today

2008-08-22T17:45:00.002-06:00

edited to add: thank you for all of the sweet comments and well wishes. i just wanted to clarify that we were not trying to get pregnant and we are both totally okay. i was taken by the amount of excitement i was able to muster over something i was not hoping for, but after a tear or two, i was just fine. we both trust that when the time comes we will love being parents, but we are content to wait for the "right" time.

conversations with leo

2008-08-22T17:32:00.002-06:00

oh, how i love having a three year old neighbor.

out of the blue, leo approached his mom, jodi and i with the following:

leo: i wish i was jesus.
jodi: me too, leo.
(in other words, sure, i wouldn't mind being perfect)
cara: (uncontrollable laughter) is this his new "thing"?
jodi: no, i have NO idea!
leo: (completely serious) mom, i need a jesus costume.

later that day, from his potty chair:

leo: mommies don't have winkies.
cara & jodi: no, no, mommies don't have winkies.
leo: and caras don't have winkies.
cara & jodi: no, no, you're right. caras don't have winkies.
leo: daddies . . . guys have winkies!

more uncontrollable laughter.

this kid . . .
i tell ya!

it is time.

2008-08-20T08:40:00.003-06:00

you can only walk around
for so long
like a deflated balloon
like a shell of a person.

for a while,
you have no choice.
i mean, these past years,
really, you have been at war.
and you have won.
you have both won.
the marriage has won.

but now you have got to go about the business
of standing up
and breathing
and learning how to walk
again.

you have to pick up the piece of the broken china cups
and picture frames and bicycles.
i bet you never knew that the darkest parts of you
had the power to bend the metal frame of a bicycle.
so you must forgive yourself for that,
for being so strong in ways that are so destructive.

you have to pull shards of shrapnel
from the most tender places;
from your underbelly,
from your finger tips,
from your heart.

and the pulling out,
the healing,
the potential infections . . .
it all hurts, in an odd way,
so much more than when the injury was inflicted
in the first place.

as i said,
for a while,
you have no choice,
but to walk around like a sleepy toddler,
waking up from a nap,
and wandering about
without purpose,
just looking for a juice cup
or a familiar blanket
or a warm lap to sit in
through sleepy eyes.

but now it is time for something else.
something more.
time to enter the hollow tomb of self
and with only the light of a match,
look for any hieroglyphic you can find.
look for any hint of who you are,
of who you were.
to take trace remenants and clues
and begin to rebuid,
refind,
rediscover
the girl you were
the woman you were becoming
(before you began about the business of
bending bicycles and breaking china cups
with the bile of your words)
and find a way to slowly fill this flimsy shell
up
once
again.

with a name like "spedini", no other title is required

2008-08-18T07:26:00.007-06:00

i just remembered that not long ago
i promised to share my recipe
for a wonderful treat called spedini!
now, you may have seen "spedini" in restaurants,
normally some form of skewered meats and cheeses.
but never, my friends, have you seen it like this.
really those restaurant people should be ashamed,
calling their marinated, skewered chicken the same thing
as this delicacy!
ashamed, i say!

the first time i had spedini,
i was in high school.
now you need to understand that i was the kid
who came home and experimented in the kitchen afterschool
just for fun.
so when my dad served these beauties at a dinner with friends,
i about flew through the roof.

it was not until i was in my 20's that i actually made them
but since then, life has not been the same.

this is a moderately simple dish, but it does take time,
so it is often best left for a day that you can
spend a little time with it.
but i promise, if you feel even remotely comfortable
in a kitchen, you can make spedini.

disclaimer:
if you have a history of burning water and you don't
know where your knives or cutting boards are,
that may be an indicator that this isn't the recipe for you.
i love seeing people learn to cook,
and i am afraid starting here would only leave you distressed
and might make you want to come to my home and hurt me.
please.
do
not
come
to
my
home
and
hurt
me.

instead, email me and i will give you a better
"starting recipe"to work with!

either way, i challenge you to do this:
go to your kitchen this week
and make SOMETHING!
it is good for the soul.

let me know if you try spedini!
i would love to hear how you liked it
and any changes you made!

without further ado, spedini:

you will need:
* 1/2 lb eye of round PER PERSON
(eye of round is beef. it needs to be VERY thinly sliced.
ask the butcher to cut it almost as thin as deli meat.)
* 1 1/2 cups (divided) fresh bread crumbs (i have tried this with gluten free
bread and it is equally tasty)
* 1/2 cup shredded pramasean cheese
* 3 Tbs (divided) olive oil
* 2-5 garlic cloves (to your taste)
* 4 hard boiled eggs, finely chopped
* 1/2 cup finely chopped celery
* 1/4 cup finely trimmed parsley or cilantro

directions:
mix together 1 cup of the bread crumbs and 2 Tbs of the olive oil with the remaining ingredients (withholding the beef)
on a large cutting board, lay out pieces of beef, stretching them out if needed.
add a dollop of the stuffing onto each piece, patting it down to flatten as you go (this will make it easier to roll up). roll each individual piece of the stuffing topped meat and then place onto skewers. i like to use two skewers (one on each end of the beef roll). continue adding the beef rolls to your "skewer row". you should end up with two "skewer rows" of the beef rolls. (so, four actual skewers total, two per "row". boy, writing recipes is difficult!)
now, rub the outside of the beef with the remaining 1 Tbs. olive oil. pat the remaining 1/2 cup of bread crumbs onto the outside of the beef.
place beef onto the grill and cook about 3 minutes on each side (or until bread crumbs have toasted and the meat is done).
serve with a squeeze of fresh lemon juice if you like.

ENJOY!

2008-08-16T16:38:00.002-06:00

some random thoughts, facts, and tidbits . . .

* the other day, i opened my stove to find two cookie sheets.
i put those cookie sheets in the oven during a dinner party
to get them out of the way.
that dinner party was two weeks ago.
that means that in two weeks, i did not open my oven.

* today i ate lunch at the grocery store.
no, i didn't buy lunch.
i ate samples.
after realizing that i was literally grazing over the bowl
of guacamole, i decided to purchase some.
the cheese i nibbled on was not very good.

*
i have mentioned my friend tamara before, but her new etsy shop is so awesome that she must be mentioned again!

* speaking of people that must be mentioned, my trainer, teddi must be mentioned. yes, she is that 40-something beauty on the homepage of that website. and all of her "models" are her clients. she has been equal parts patient and pushy as we are partnering to get my body into baby-making shape! (well, i am perfectly capable of the actual "making" part, but i would like to be in better shape for the pregnancy, labor, and recovery part). she is releasing a new exercise video next month on amazon. check out her promo here!.

* okay, and while i am mentioning people that must be mentioned . . . my blog pal rachel never ceases to amaze me with her creativity! check out her new etsy shop, Pony Party! i bought a vintage metal letter "C" that will hang in our office next to the fake vintage letter "H" that i found at anthropologie not long ago.

* a few weeks ago, i had the honor of being featured on this fantastic challenge blog! it made my entire day . . . okay, several days! thanks again girls, for the huge honor of "jacking" me!

* and speaking of challenge blogs . . . oh wait! i can't speak of that yet! hee hee! i have a secret. and it is a fun one. check back soon for more details on that!

well, that is enough for one day.
i hope to get back on the blogging band wagon
and stay on!

have a wonderful week, boys & girls!

just one year later . . .

2008-08-16T12:38:00.004-06:00

two weeks ago, as i was reorganizing my art cabinet,
i stumbled across a lone black spiral notebook.
a perfect square,
6 x 6 inches;
a cozy, comforting pocket to tuck away
small thoughts and hopes and dreams.
i opened it up to discover but one journal entry,
written exactly one year and a day previous.

it made me sad to read the words:
"hoping like mad that the impossible is not"

i remembered back to that lifetime of impossibility,
picturing myself slumped over my desk
on a hot afternoon,
trying to make art,
trying to make sense of my life.

i remembered back to those torturous weeks
in which i first allowed myself to speak my sad reality:
"i do not want to be married to my husband.
i am only staying because i made a commitment."
i knew he felt the same way about the whole ordeal.

eventually, i began to accept
that i was in a marriage
i didn't want to be in.
the only question was:
"how do you accept that for the rest of your life?
how do you live that way?
without love?
and with so much anger?"

i remembered not knowing the answer to that question,
but believing that there had to be
a way out
that did not include
a divorce,
a loveless marriage,
or an untimely accident
on a curvy mountain road
with a truckload of lammas
and sad '80s music playing on the iPod,
in which one of us died
and the other was left alone,
free to start over and try again.

i remembered not caring
if i was the one
who was left to start over.

but also, i believed there had to be
another tunnel out of this dark, terrifying cavern
we found ourselves in.
i was sick and tired of the options our culture was offering.
i was determined to see us find a new way.

i remembered watching another marriage
fall apart from a distance.
a marriage that i knew so little about,
but given the blog culture we live in,
i thought i knew so much.
and i was plagued with the thought:
"if SHE, the nicest girl in the WORLD,
can't make a marriage work,
where is there hope for me,
a cranky,
sometimes crazy,
often angry
and embarrassingly mean
girl?"

it was a horrible time
for both of us.
the only thing we had
to buoy ourselves to
was the determination of two stubborn people
to make it work.

the same determination,
that was often misused,
unkind in its deeds
and dark in its nature,
an accomplice in the deterioration of our newborn union,
was now showing its lighter side.
the side that God created.
the side that knew even a little bit
about truth and love and hope.

we hung on.
determined to be faithful to our commitment.
not to each other,
but to our commitment.
and looking at it that way helped.

time became our friend.
we waited.
and stayed.
and waited some more.
we cried
and we yelled
and we let friends make us breakfast
and listen to our stories
and tell us that we were okay.
that we were loved.
that we were normal.

we read books
and sat in grocery store parking lots,
telling friends we didn't want to go home.
and then we went home.
we took a few short breaks apart,
always with the intent of reuniting.
we went to counseling
and played card games
and made love.

we endured a breast cancer scare
and realized how short life is.
and then we continued to fight
and make up some more.

what we did was, we lived life
when it did not feel livable.
we faced the shit
and asked for help.
and gave it time.

and it worked.

so there i sat there,
a year and one day later,
on the floor of my art room
in the home i share with my friend,
my lover,
my husband,
my companion,
and my sounding board.
and i gave a heart's worth of thanks.

what a different place we are in now.
just a few weeks ago,
shortly before i found the journal page,
i sat on a beach in oregon with herb
on my 31st birthday
and recalled the highs and lows of the past year.
with bellies full of good pizza and beer and wine,
we celebrated this:
time and honor and hope and prayer
actually have a place in this world,
in our lives,
in our story.

and we danced.
with the waves crashing behind us
and the harsh wind threatening us,
we danced.
it was a slow, close,
leggy dance of gratitude
to the wobbly and often misguided,
but ultimately faithful,
stubborn determination
that had brought us to today.

amen.

the girl turns 31

2008-07-10T18:14:00.005-06:00

in January, i made this list
i gave myself 6 months to complete
30 things
before turning 31
i knew it was a stretch,
only giving myself 6 months
it didn’t feel like enough time
but it was worth a try

what is funny is that I completed
15 of the 30 things
half of my list
in half of my 30th year.

that seems about right.

so, here is the recap of the list . . .

things that happened . . .

*take a writing sabbatical
check: we are currently on our way home from orcas island where i spent three weeks writing on a daily basis. it was actually pretty difficult. after the first dozen pages or so, i felt more pressure than anything else. so by the end of week three, i decided to put the writing on hold until we get home; at which time i will begin researching writing groups to join.
*go for a ride in the mini with herb (top down)

check: oh yes. in may we drove from colorado, through wyoming, utah, idaho, and oregon, to washington. we are currently in oregon and are heading home. the top has been down a lot more this time around!
*live on an island for a little while
check: here
*try a new recipe featuring vegetables
check: i made up a new dish; thinly sliced zucchini layered with pureed butternut squash and ricotta cheese. herb loved it. i, on the other hand, was not cured of my lifelong unfortunate aversion to vegetables. no matter how good the nutmeg and cheese tasted!
*go for a hike or snow shoeing
check: i asked herb to take a walk with me and we ended up going for a two hour hike. he remains convinced that i tricked him into a hike!
*take Brittany on a downtown adventure
check: a beautiful weekend downtown with a special 16 year old kiddo! it opened her eyes up to new places and dreams and adventures (plus, since i don't share my risotto cakes with anyone, she got to indulge all by herself).
*lay on a blanket at the park
check: herb and i spent an afternoon under a tree on the east side of wash park that will go down in harjes haus history as the day of the great bikini bet. we don't remember how many there were or who won. all i know is that it is never, ever appropriate to wear your bikini to the park. weird.
*make spedini for dinner
check: i will have to post this recipe soon. it is a favorite. and much more impressive than the picture indicates. just think . . . stuffed beef. yummo!
*ride the light rail downtown
check
*send flowers to a friend for no reason
check
*take herb on a surprise date
check: to took herb to this sexy, creative, homey italian eatery, followed by a city walk to this place, complete with coffee on the coolest rooftop coffee house ever!

things that sort of happened:
*teach leo how to sing the “so good” part of sweet caroline
(see january's post on the topic)
*buy a hot red dress
do you know how difficult it can be to find a sexy, modern, non-trashy, non-clingy red dress??? i can't find a picture, and it is in the mail on its way home to denver, but does hot pink count? it is hot.
*visit Kelly Farrell
i had big plans to visit kelly in april. then i got sick. then i offered to go visit her in may but she came and spent the weekend with me instead. movies, italian food, manis & pedis, and an ill-advised shot of tequila . . . i think that is a girl's weekend!
*learn how to sea kayak
it didn't constitute learning because i really should not go out to sea in a kayak without a pro, but i have officially kayaked in the sea!

thanks to all of you who make my days on this wild, brilliant, horrible, beautiful place we call earth just a little bit sweeter!
i appreciate and love you!
cara

aNd thE wiNeER iS . . .

2008-05-30T11:29:00.005-06:00

so here's the thing:
my random number generator wouldn't work.
he only generated names.
and he wasn't random.
so erin, that means your bike name,
BELLA,
was herb's favorite!
congrats.

it took some thinking . . .
the perfect gift for the give away.

for awhile, i was going to do a truck stop gift bag
but that got old after awhile.
and really, how do you box up a turquoise cow girl hat?

i looked for cool island souveniers
and island-y coffee mugs.
i even considered doing a t-shirt
but i knew that it was no longer 1987
and that a t-shirt with a sea shell embroidered on it
would not be considered "happy mail"
but rather, "where in the world do i put THIS?" mail.

but then i remember this book.

herb and i started reading it together this spring.
we have yet to finish, but so far, it is thought provoking and funny.
it sort of fits.
the authors ate, for a year, only foods that came from 100 miles or less of their home.
and the coolest?
they live up in this part of the world.
(though technically, they are in another country.
but then again, if you go to the north side of the island,
you can see canada.
so there you go)

it fit with the bike give away - and the strides we are all making
to leave a lighter footprint behind.
it fit with the fact that i am cooking like a madman these days
and thinking a lot more about food and body.

so, erin h., if you are out there, email me with your address and this bad boy
(and maybe a little something i found at a truck stop in wyoming)
will be on its way to your home!

thanks for playing, everyone!

about that bike give-away

2008-05-29T08:36:00.002-06:00

yes yes!
it is coming!
the drawing!
the prize!
it is all coming.

but here is the thing:
i have not found the right prize yet!
maybe i will draw the name first
and then i will feel inspired as to the prize.

thanks for being patient.

and come back soon to check!

we be out

2008-05-21T06:51:00.004-06:00

me
and
this
boy
are out of here!!!

come check out our new blog for pictures, stories, and updates (and maybe even a video or two) during the next seven weeks!
i think i will still be posting here as well, so come back soon!

over and out!
c

name-the-bike give away

2008-05-18T10:36:00.003-06:00

last week i bought a new bike for our trip to orcas island. we leave in three days and i think this sweet thing needs a name before we go.
i tell you what, leave an idea in the comment section and i will draw a reader's name when we arrive "on island" on friday.
the winner will receive something from our road trip!

GUESS WHAT???????

2008-05-08T08:33:00.004-06:00

as part of my summer writing sabatical, i will be documenting my observations of an old question:
do blonds REALLY have more fun?

i started coloring my hair at the age of 29 - and even then, I went DARKER.
so this is a huge deal for me.
HUGE
DEAL!

2 weeks from ToDAy

2008-05-07T21:56:00.002-06:00

boxes will be packed and shipped.
road trip snacks will be purchased.
bikes will be snug on the back of the mini.

. . . and we (me, my man, and my new holga camera) will be on our way to Orcas Island, WA for six weeks!!!

the bar that doesn't even need a title to introduce it (or posts that cara is too tired to give proper titles to)

2008-04-21T19:46:00.009-06:00

last week i was at my friend natalie's house.
eager to get over there to cast her beautiful pregnant belly,
i managed to skip dinner.
mostly because i had grown tired of
my detox diet friendly take out choice:
chicken, salsa, guacamole, and rice
from chipotle.
don't get me wrong, i was greatful to have something
so delicious to indulge in while on such a strict diet.
but i had induldged one too many times
and it was no longer appealing.
so i showed up to natalie's house starving.
not only was i starving, i tend to be picky.
so i wasn't even interested in most of the foods i was offered
that i could eat within the confines of the diet.
then dave (her husband) offered me
what i will forever more refer to as
"nirvana in bar form".

ladies.
gentlemen.
i present you with: the larabar.

high fiber
high protein
packed full of nothing but fruits and nuts
never cooked (for all you raw food junkies out there)
gluten free
dairy free
soy free
vegan friendly
and
kosher

perhaps most shocking,
it doesn't taste like cardboard, poop, or toes.

i mean seriously, it seems to good to be true.
but unless i grow a third arm or spontaneously combust,
i simply can't imagine what could be wrong with these beauties.

law & order is ruining my life (and other confessions of a woman who hides behind her remote control)

2008-04-21T10:47:00.003-06:00

at the end of 2007 i was sick and tired of how much time i was wasting in front of the tv. it is embarrassing to admit how much time i was spending. that was part of what was making me sick and tired. let's just say that i only started watching law & order about two years ago, and i was beginning to see repeats! do you know how many different versions there are of law & order? three. there are three different versions of law & order. when combined, there have been 31 seasons of the show. that is more years of law and order than there are years in my life! all i am saying is, that is a lot of law & order. good for them. they have found something that works. but if i am seeing reruns, well, that is a major indication to me that it might be time to reevaluate the tv situation.

i started wondering what i would think, hear, see if i wasn't watching tv. how would i fill my time? what would i think about if i didn't have this source of input to inform my opinions, thoughts, feelings, and desires? how might my creativity be impacted? how about my marriage? what would happen if herb came home and i was reading on the couch with jazz playing? and how would that be different than the times he came home to find me wrapped up in my red fuzzy blanket, watching my 5th back-to-back episode of america's next top model on bravo?

so, i just stopped. altogether. i stopped. with the exception of one or two shows in the evening here and there, i didn't watch tv. the few times i did watch felt fine. i still felt like i was within the spirit of the "rules", and to tell you the truth, i really enjoyed those times in front of the tv. i paid attention to the show. i looked forward to that time. it was intentional. i relaxed.

since i wasn't watching tv, i found other ways to fill my time. i read. in three weeks, i read "the pillars of the earth" by ken follett. have you seen this book? it is over 1,000 pages long. 1,000 about the building of a church in england during the 11th century. and i enjoyed every minute of it! i made a little art journal, and i used it. i took baths. lots of hot baths. when herb came home, i had set up a paradigm in which, instead of him sitting on the couch with me to watch tv, or retreating to the office to "play computers" while i finished my show, we had time to play games together and talk and enjoy the evening.

it worked. for six weeks, it worked.

then, i got sick. for two or three days, i laid on the couch. and watched tv. all day long.

after that, i quickly moved back into my old patterns.
always in the back of my mind was my promise to myself.
it was not just about NOT watching tv; it was about doing other things. using my time and my energy and my life for other things. it was more about embracing my life - taking out the tv was just a great way to help me do more of that.

last night i was reading a chapter in a wonderful marriage book ("the new rules of marriage: what you need to know to make love work" by terrance real). to be honest, i nearly skipped the chapter altogether because it was about the importance of removing addictive behaviors from our lives in order to be able to engage in a truly intimate marriage. it didn't feel applicable to herb and i. but as a therapist, i decided to go ahead and read it. i was sort of stunned to realize how much my mindless, intentionless tv (and computer) time fit right into his description of "misery stabilizers" - things we do that keep us stuck in our discontentment; things we do to avoid dealing with painful things in our lives. things that keep us from being totally available for true intimacy because we are blocking out things we need to deal with internally.

now, you may be thinking, "it is just tv. she is being way to hard on herself and taking this so seriously!" but i can assure you that this struck me at the core. tv doesn't just keep me from being intimate with herb; more so, it keeps me from myself. it keeps me from facing some realities that i don't want to face. like, for instance, if i am not watching tv, i am more aware of the fact that i have really low energy and that i am a 30 year old woman, without kids who works only part time. and then i have to do something with all of the questions of identity and value that come up. but if i can face those questions, i will become a fuller person. and i will have more to bring to my marriage with herb.

to think that my tv habits are keeping me from personal health and marital closeness makes me sad.

so i decided that instead of trying to go back to that time where i was magically able to discard tv altogether without feeling ashamed or punished, that i will just give myself some parameters. five hours a week. used up however i wish! we'll see how it goes.

next stop, check to see if the novels i have on hold at the library are available yet. let's be honest, even if i am getting more real with myself, everyone needs a little escape from time to time!

dear internet, thanks for introducing me to rhian caroline cooksey quinton

2008-04-19T16:45:00.003-06:00

this is my friend rhi.
this picture of her was taken in central park.
by me.
rhi lives in wales.
yes, like, the united kingdom.
i live in denver, co.
yes, like, the united states of america.
and yet thanks to al gore's new fangled world wide web,
we met.
and became friends.
and then we met up in NYC.

i sure do like her.
and yesterday, i got to talk to her on the phone for nearly two hours.
so, thanks alexander grahm bell -
i appreciate you too!

(i would have told you all of the great things about rhi,
and why i would spend a sunny afternoon chatting with her on the phone,
i would have told you she is kind and funny and true.
but all of that is much too gushy for the sensibilites of a true brit,
so i will leave all of that out. i won't tell you how creative she is,
or how thoughtful. nope. none of that. this post is strictly intended
to thank the great inventors who allow me to communicate with her.)

old dogs can't learn new shower routines

2008-04-19T07:30:00.005-06:00

i step into the shower,
left foot first.
then right.
the water has not yet been turned on
in effort to save water, i guess.

the water is turned on;
too hot for the likes of someone like herb harjes,
just right for the likes of someone like me.

if it is a good day,
i have remembered to tilt the shower head,
(which is tilted up for the tall, lukewarm shower taker of the house)
down
so that the water doesn't hit the back wall,
burst out the side of the shower curtain
and flood the bathroom floor.
(not that i have ever done this before.
okay,
maybe once.
or twice.)

i quickly wet my face and then turn
to face the back wall and allow the hot water
cover my hair then my back.
i turn back around to quickly wash my face,
then turn again to face the back,
allowing more hot water to massage my back,
begging the muscles to relax,
and i begin to wash my hair.
once i rinse my hair,
assuming i remember that i have JUST washed it
and don't wash it again,
i move on to condition my hair.
while my hair is being softened,
i use herb's flowery body wash to clean the body.

rinse hair.
rinse body.

stand once again,
facing the back wall
and lean forward
with a yoga inspired flat back
and place one hand on each side of the tub
allowing the hot water,
once again,
to do its work on waking up my back.

the hot water is turned off.
and i wrap myself in a brown or green towel.

a few months ago,
i bought a new kind of non-soap, pH balanced product
that works to wash both face and body.
two in one.
it is great.

what cracks me up is that i continue with the above mentioned routine,
despite the fact that i am now using the same product twice during the shower.

on the practice of human consumption

2008-04-10T17:46:00.004-06:00

she caught my eye from across the room.
in that oxy-moronic kind of loud whisper she said,
"you are totally analyzing EVERYONE, aren't you?"

from the other side of the apartment, filled with people i didn't know,
she nailed me.
she was a newer friend -
we had only met a year or two previously when i moved to denver -
but she sure did seem to understood how i operate in the world.

it wasn't just because i was a counseling student,
though that was part of it, i'm sure.
it was the way that i am in a group.
the way that i take in people
chew them up
digest them.
the way i taste them
but i don't always serve up heaping spoonfuls
of
myself.

with the advent of blogs and online communities
it is becoming more and more clear
that i have an appetite for those i don't know.
i like to figure them out
and glamorize them.
i like to imagine their world.
if i am honest,
perhaps it is not so much their world i am imagining,
but rather the world i might like to have as my own.

people talk about stalking blogs.
this is, i believe, the act of reading a person's blog
but never commenting
never interacting
responding
engaging.
never
revealing
your
self.

i don't stalk for long.
for that would imply watching
without taking any action.

i either move along,
bored with what i have found,
not seeing the value,
not seeing the person.
but seeing that it cannot fill me.

or i indulge.
i gorge.
i eat it all up,
longing for it to fill the deepest of hunger pangs.

as a turkey sandwhich tastes so different
so much more gratifying
so much more full of flavor
when eaten on the way up a long, steep mountain path,
so does the information of a person's life taste
when i know
that i don't ever have to been known by them.
not just that,
but i do not have to give anything.
all i have to do is take
freely
and
often.

and i do not give myself to them.
and really, i do not give myself to myself.
it is hard to live your own life
when you are so very busy
digesting the life
of someone else.

art journaling . . . not just for ninjas anymore

2008-04-06T17:49:00.002-06:00

hey, if you live in the denver area
(or, you feel like a little road trip!)
come and have some fun with paint and paper and glue.
i am holding two classes in my home this month and would love to have you join us!

if you are still totally confused, here is a little more info.
if you want to know more about how ninjas relate to any of this . . .
i am afraid i cannot help you!

art journaling is a way of expressing and exploring yourself and the world around you.

it uses color and texture and paint and collage to take you from the familiar experience of
writing complete sentences on a lined piece of paper
into a completely new realm of interacting with your thoughts and your voice on paper.
by invoking the creative parts of the brain,
art journaling creates a new level of awareness and understanding.
it can be fun, playful, messy, enlightening, exciting, wild.
it can be as simple as trying out a new color of ink or a different style of handwriting.
or as adventurous as letting paint and ink spill onto your pages and adding elements of collage.
it can be whatever you need it to be on any given day.

example by cara harjes

example by rachel denbow

example by keri smith

example by sabrina ward harrison

please don't blame the butternut squash!

2008-04-03T07:57:00.002-06:00

Since starting my detox diet, I have been inspired and encouraged by Shawna James, the "Gluten Free Girl". Reading her blog has reminded me how much I love food. And what I am realizing is that by limiting the foods I can eat, I am being made to use some creativity and a little more love and intention when eating. In order to really help you understand, let me tell you what I can't eat. Not as a means of complaining or gaining sympathy (but you can still send me condolences and gift certificates for massages if you would like!), but rather, to help you really understand why the foods that I CAN eat are becoming more exciting to me. Here's the list: wheat/gluten, soy, corn, sugar, dairy, alcohol, eggs, beef/sausage/pork, tea/coffee, chocolate, oranges. I am sure there are more, but this gives you some idea.

All of these restrictions made my cooking experience so much more rich. I felt so decedent as I sliced open a butternut squash in the middle of the day for roasting. Seriously, who roasts butternut squash at 1 pm on a Wednesday afternoon. Apparently I do.
Later the squash was pureed and put in the refrigerator. The absence of wheat in my diet inspired me to pull out my rice cooker. The rice cooker I have had for a year and a half. The rice cooker I have never used before. In the end, the squash was lovingly stirred into the brown rice. Then I added pine nuts and formed the concoction into small patties which were fried to a crisp in a pan of olive oil. People, I must be honest. They were kind of gross. But that is only because I didn't take the time to toast the pine nuts. And maybe some sauteed yellow onion . . . no, no, shallots! . . . would have added the perfect something. And the rice to squash ratio needs some work. But you see, the problem was not the ingredients. I just need to work out some kinks. And I can, because I am free as a bird to play with these ingredients.

Next came the coconut chicken. I dipped the strips in a mixture of almond and coconut milks with a little chili paste. Then the strips where rolled in organic, no-added-sugar, super-fine coconut shreds. Also less than memorable, in the end. But again, only for lack of experience on my part. You see, I have been cooking for years. Like, 20 years. Seriously. When I was in middle school, I remember calling my dad at work to ask him to brain storm the perfect homemade fried mozzarella stick recipe. What I am new to is cooking with restrictions. From the restrictions, I have opened my eyes to ingredients I am unaccustomed to working with. And learning to play with them will just take some time.

what we look like in the eastern standard time zone

2008-04-01T09:50:00.000-06:00

ME: that cab almost hit me!
HIM: they think you are trying to hail them.

hmmm. well yes, yes, that would make sense.
i am, in fact, standing in the middle of time square
sticking my arm out into the middle of the road.
in some parts that is called rougue journalism.
in new york, apparently, it is considered hailing a cab.
who knew.

the lovely sally woodson and her studio,
eastside westside music together.

(hanging out at starbucks with rebecca, rhi, sarah, and gigi)

i have a few more, but blogger is being really weird about loading my pics. so i will share these for now!

McLove at First Site

2008-03-30T07:51:00.002-06:00

(*I am going to try something "new" today; complete sentences and proper capitalization. We'll see. Let me know what you think.)

"Save me the Crispies!", I would yell, if my five-year-old obligations ever kept me from the kitchen as mom fried up the legs & thighs - skin on, of course. As soon as I was finished with my dance routine to the Greece Soundtrack or tucking Lilly Rose (my favorite doll with a mysterious man's signature scrawled on her behind) into her bed, I would race into the kitchen to inhale the little nuggets of flour that had been sizzled (in two inches of vegetable oil) to a golden perfection in my mom's blue and white electric skillet.

A few years later I recall news of the newest addition to the Golden Arches family opening up right on the main road by our neighborhood. I collected all of my change in a thin yellow knit sock to show my mother how committed I was to getting the whole family there for the opening night. Not only would my entire third grade class be there, but so would a clown and a magician. Soon after the opening, I remember sitting in the front seat of our beige station wagon, rehearsing my Happy Meal order in my head. As we rounded the corner, I would see something that would change my life - forever.

Just ahead stood an adolescent worker of this fine establishment, so grown up in their brown polo shirt and mesh hat. Holding in her hand was a sample tray full of a new product - the Chicken McNugget - each piece of chicken mechanically pressed into imperfect shapes that gave off only the vague impression of naturally cut meat. That much was clear to me, even at age 9 or 10. But what was more clear is that it would be many years before I ever ordered another hamburger. I was in love.

I think I may have told this story about this time two years ago, but it plays such an important role in my relationship with food that I tell it (again?) this morning. The golden nugget is a perfect metaphor for my ideal food. It if was batter dipped and deep fried, it was as gold to me. This left out, as you can imagine, some food groups such as fruits, vegetables, and whole grains. And at the age of 25, I began to pay the cost. At the age of 30, I continue.

Last week, along with my detox diet I had my blood drawn. In a few more days I will receive a report indicating which foods my body appears to be sensitive to. I have no doubt that over the years my diet heavy laden with fats, sugar, and refined flour has left my body stripped of many of the nutrients it has needed. And I will continue to share my journey of trying to repay it. So far the price has been uncomfortable, as I am embarking upon day number three of flu-like symptoms, as I am flushed of toxins and left feeling not unlike a meth addict in rehab.

Dear Rice Milk, I NEVER loved you

2008-03-29T07:54:00.002-06:00

it all began when i met herb.
up to that point, breakfast consisted of little more
than a bagel smothered in butter.
and i am not talking about the oversized new york style bagel,
boiled to chewy perfection
and then slathered with words that are
as equally timeless as they are disturbing.
like lox.

no.
i grew up in missouri.
in the 80's.
nothing trendy.
nothing particularly glamorous.
my existence as a foodie,
even at the young ages of 11 and 12,
was reflected in my breakfast biscuit choice
only in so far that i always sacrificed
my otherwise pubescent brand of self-consciousness
for the pleasant burning sensation
of the onion variety of Lender's Bagles.

as i grew older, i added the occasional smoothie
to my breakfast repertoire.
low-fat, artificially sweetened yogurt -
artificially vanilla flavored, of course -
orange juice,
and a banana.
maybe some strawberries.

my morning food consumption was not a reflection
of my overall relationship with food.
it was not what one might expect from
a girl who so committed to her food,
so aware of its healing powers,
that while her peers eased the malcontent
of post-adolescent angst by
using their book money to buy the perfect fake idea
and thereby, the perfect six pack of coors light,
she perfected the art of boiling gourmet ravioli
in the lounge of Dobson Hall;
using little more than an electric tea pot
and served in a plastic bowl.

you must understand that growing up,
while my dad and i bonded over pine nuts toasted to perfection
and the golden hue of a roux,
breakfast at my house was rushed at best.
it was difficult to really indulge in my food when,
as the oldest child,
i assumed the self-appointed role of
guardian over the Log Cabin.
because i knew, even at the age of 11,
that it was my sisterly duty to ensure
that the little brother,
already inflicted with ADD, poor impulse control,
and a propensity for "flooding" his plate of waffles
with imitation syrup
should not be sent out the door hyped up on sugar.

between that and the infamous "boy haircut" of 1982
(my mother's way of communicating
"when i say if you get syrup in your hair one more time
that i will have it cut off . . .
i mean it"),
i had completely lost interest in all customary breakfast foods.

but when i met herb, i was reintroduced to breakfast.
and not the low-fat attempt at breakfast
that i adopted in my early 20's.
omelets, full-fat bacon, Belgian waffles.
and all of this at home, all week long.
as a very committed atkin's dieter,
this was the daily grid for herb.

(minus the waffles, of course.
that was just what you made to impress the girl
when she came over on saturday mornings.)

for the next two years i made nice with breakfast.
my favorite creation was blueberry cottage cheese pancakes.
with only a few tablespoons of flour, herb and i could share
an otherwise off-limits treat for an anti-carbite like himself.

about two years ago, i was diagnosed
with fibromyalgia & chronic fatigue.
my weeks quickly became filled with
blood tests, IVs, and filling pill boxes.
i became willing to try anything to regain
my sense of restedness, clear thinking, and pain-free living.
the root of sleepless nights were difficult to diagnose
because on top of a relentless and difficult-to-treat illness,
herb and i were horrified by the discovery that after saying "I do",
we were in for countless months of marital turbulence.

perhaps far more difficult than my committment to
nightly muscular injections
in
my
thighs
was my dedication to a very difficult change in my diet.
several months into treatment,
i was told that, among multiple diagnosis,
that i had candida -
the presence of profound yeast overgrowth in the gut.
candida can become so serious if left untreated
that it can pollute the blood stream.
the prospect of managing my symptoms
with a strict diet was presented to me
and within days i had eliminated entire food groups
in effort of creating an internal environment
near impossible for yeast to grow in.

though i had long-since graduated to herb's
school of breakfast thought on the weekends,
it was only then that my weekday smoothie was finally retired.
low-fat, artificially sweetened vanilla yogurt was benched
and replaced by full-fat unsweetened plain yogurt.
bananas, too sweet for my diet, were traded in for frozen berries
orange juice was banished
and coconut milk introduced.
and in case the nectar of the gods
(and brazilians)
didn't provide enough liquid to the blended concoction,
i learned to enjoy rice milk.

that was over a year and a half ago.
since then, i have lost 25 pounds,
(ceased my strict diet and re-gained 15 of them)
and made some strides with my health.

about a month ago, i shared with one of my doctors
that i continue to struggle with stomach cramping, fatigue,
and an overall lack in my sense of physical well-being.
this doctor, known for her holistic and natural approach to medicine,
prescribed a detox-diet plan and a daily "shake".
the parameters are not unlike those of the candida diet which,
aside from my mid-week smoothie re-mix and absence of soda,
i have long since abandoned.

i face this diet with similar hope
(and even stricter parameters)

but this time i know what i am doing.
and instead of embracing a diet of exclusion,
i will shift my focus to a celebration of inclusion.

instead of mourning the loss of blue cheese and ice cream,
this time i will celebrate the room that is being made for things like
homemade pesto, starwberry papyas and walnuts.
i will learn about the foods that i can eat
and embrace the healing qualities they, in and of themselves possess.

and i have made one more change to that time-tested breakfast smoothie:
almond milk.

now produced without added sugar,
i have a sexier, creamier means of bringing liquid to my local smoothie.

stay tunes for more stories on the healing powers of your food and mine.

it was amazing, but it didn't look like a large round piece of orchard fruit

2008-03-27T08:11:00.010-06:00

"the city of perpetual motion
the city that never sleeps
that's alright,
i wasn't tired anyways"
- shannon mcnally

it was lovely.
four days in NYC.
with my herb.

he loves maps
and noise
and staying out late
and public transportation

and we had them all.
in excess.

it was all equally matched
in its utter deliciousness
to the butternut squash risotto cake
that i indulged in our first evening.
every bite better than the next,
leaving a lingering sensation
of the warm gooey combination
of unsuspected flavors,
which together,
created a tiny island
of unsuspected perfection.

we had a bit of a dahrma & greg moment
on the second day
after schleping our baggage
across the city:

ME: "it's WONDERFUL, don't you think!!!"
HIM: "no, i hate it, but you are so happy
that i didn't want to say anything!"

you see, the bed & coffee that i desperately wanted to stay in
was only available for our
second and third evening in the city.
so i found another place for us to stay on evening one.
though it was equal to ripping
an unweaned puppy
away from its mother,
he was a very very good sport about
trading in our king size bed from the first night
for the double beds in our new room.
and sharing a bathroom with multiple 20-something europeans
(the european part was actually a bonus, not a problem).
and the two flights of stairs that gave off the vague impression
that it would be best if we ascended them one person at a time.
and the unending party outside of our window.
well, i suppose the party did end eventually.
right around the time that the delivery trucks
started making their rounds.

after we arrived on friday night,
i whisked herb away to see an unforgettable show!
it all felt so very new york.
we were two hours late getting in, so our long,
lingering journey to the theatre was not an option.
instead, we moved quickly to the subway station
and popped out on the other end,
finding ourselves hungry but without much time.
a corner pizza place (packed with people)
solved all of our problems and more
with a "chicken roll"
(think calazone but without the sauce . . .
and more of a roll than a pocket)
we spilt it and ate it on a little table right on the bustling sidewalk.
the perfect beginning to the weekend.
the show was spectacular
and you already know how i felt about
the risotto cake that i had later at this place
i was speechless as we wandered back to our hotel,
well after midnight,
only to find the city as alive as it was earlier in the evening.
in fact, at one point, we entered a cross walk
with at least 50 other people.
did i mention it was well after midnight?
seriously.
no wonder new yorkers have a reputation for being cranky:
THEY
NEVER
SLEEP.

saturday was filled with walking
and sunshine
and central park
and a few lovely museums.
we had another memorable dining experience
and another late night.
perfection.

sunday, we scurried to the upper west side to meet sally woodson.
sally and my mom met their freshman year of college
and remain good friends to this day.
she told us stories of long, painful evenings
worshiping the god's of porcelain & tile.
and how technically,
it is she who is responsible for introducing my parents.

sally has an incredible life story
so many pieces
some dark and some light
coming together to create
the beautiful mosaic of her present life.
she directs a large program that
provides music experiences to families.
a kansas girl who, despite many tear-filled
evenings on the floors of roach-infested apartments
in her early years,
has survived NYC for over 30 years
and followed her dreams,
even when things seemed bleak.
she is my new hero.

next, we rushed again,
this time to union square
to meet a group of ladies from this little community.
among my new friends are gigi and rebecca.

the highlight, of course,
was finally putting a real live person
to my long-time blog & email friend,
the lovely rhian caroline from wales, UK.
herb and i both immediatley fell deeply in love with her.
like, iced chai tea with a dab of whipped cream kind of in love.
like, long sunny days with nothing to do kind of in love.
like cottage cheese blueberry pancakes
eaten in your jammies
on a saturday morning
kind of in love.

she
is
lovely.

herb headed back to the MoMA
and left me to dine with my lovely ladies.
after a good meal,
some picture taking,
some anthropology drooling,
some banana republic buying
(can we say, the perfect teal dress for $35????
now, somebody invite me to something fancy!),
and starbucks sipping,
herb came back for me
and this time HE whisked ME away
for a wonderful evening watching RENT.
it was perfect.

monday gave us more time with rhi
and her friend sarah
(also quite lovely)
while i was trying to find the girls in union square,
herb stopped to watch the last few minutes of
the outdoor taping of the Today Show.
he didn't see much,
but as he was looking for me,
he nearly
literally
ran right into this household fave of ours.
now, i'm not out to embarrass anyone here
that's not my style
but there is someone i know quite well
who is still daydreaming
about the conversation he could have had
if she had not been on her cell phone.

after a chance to sit down
and talk with the girls over a quiet lunch
and more walking in central park
(which, to no surprise of those who know me, i LOVE),
herb and i headed off to stand in line.
for what?
well, you'll just have to go check out herb's blog to find out.

stay tuned for pictures . . . when my iphoto stops acting like a moron.

apostle paul remixed

2008-03-13T08:30:00.005-06:00

there are things i value
things i want
believe in
desire
feel passionate about

and then there are the things i do

sometimes the things i do
are the things i value
want
believe in
desire
or
feel passionate about

and sometimes
the
things
i
do

are just the opposite of
what i want
believe in
desire
or feel passionate about

sometimes
i even think
i do these things
that i don't want to do
in order to make sure
that i don't want to do
the
things
that i do want to do

where she blogs again

2008-03-11T16:55:00.007-06:00

(excuse the pun, but this has become "the weekly grind" . . . i have been lugging out all of these beautiful bags every week to make a very hearty, high fiber, low-carb whole grain bread for me and herb.
i feel so healthy just looking at them, willing them to make my body strong and healthy.
i feel so domestic.
so pioneer-ish.
well, um, so much like a a modern pioneer-ish woman since i AM using a bread machine.)

i have talked about this before,
but i have a wee bit of a problem with perfectionism.
if there is something i really care about
but i can't do it perfectly
i don't do it at all.
this doesn't pertain to everything.
but it seems to really get me caught up when it comes to creative things.
that is why i have not blogged in a while.
it is why i don't make art as often as i would like
or work on my writing goals.

then i look at women like my friend tamara or elsie flannigan.
i have always enjoyed their art work
but recently, i have seen them both push out of their cocoons and launch to a whole new level of talent.
and i remind myself,
they are amazing now,
but they didn't walk out of the womb
painting like this!
they started somewhere else
and it has been a journey of consistency, exploration, and dedication to get where they are with their skill.

so, with that in mind,
today, i blog.
even if it is not interesting
or thought provoking
or gramatically correct,
i blog.

consistency.
small baby steps.
it is not something i am always that great at.
i want to sit down,
open my computer or notebook
and write the most compelling
best-selling book you have ever seen.

but i have things like "the list" that keep me paced.
doing small things at a time
building towards a larger goal.
completing the list by july 11th is the ultimate goal.
but some of the goals seem to have sub-goals and require planning.

so far i have:
* taken the light rail (more than once)
* planned a hot date for herb . . . we are going to see Stomp on Broadway when we are in NYC this weekend! it was meant to be a surprise like the list ordered, but he saw my computer screen at an inopportune moment and he found out.
* i worked with leo on Sweet Caroline . . . it is a work in progress (see former post for details on the "binky issue").
* i am planning Brittany's Best 16th Birthday Downtown Adventure of a Lifetime! sure to include public transportation, walking shoes, fancy schmancy treatment at a fancy schmancy hotel, a massage, dinner out, book stores, and if all goes well, a jazz club (my favorite club does not card! we don't need any drinkies but we do need the music!)
* the writing sabbatical has been set for six weeks (at the end of may - beginning of july) in orcas island, WA
* said sabbatical will be on an island
* said island is on water (right?) and will provide plenty of opportunities for me to learn how to kayak
* a karaoke night is being planned with the lovely tamara and her kooky husband matt (said kooky husband is technically my boss.)
* a book about the 100 mile meal concept is being read (the meal will take place once the farmer's markets open up!)
* flowers were sent to a lovely friend . . . for no reason at all . . . just as the list instructed!

a few real exciting trips were eluded to in the above list . . .
and i should probably elaborate . . .

* we are indeed planning a crazy six week sabbatical to orcas island, WA..
herb will work on stuff for current clients, along with working on some other creative projects
he will probably ride a bike and drink some coffee and take some naps.
i am studying about eating local and intend to do a lot of healthy/local cooking while we are there.
surprisingly, the island is jam packed full of farms!
who knew?
i am also going to learn to kayak
and take about 2-4 hours on weekdays to write.
we are so blessed and thrilled that this is really going to happen!!!

* herb loves this musical and we are finally going to go see it together in new york this weekend! while we are there, i get to meet one of my lovely bloggy, scrappy pen pals! Rhi is going to be in New York also, so we are finally going to meet outside of our "fake internet lives"! there will also be plenty of museum going, subway taking, bagel dog eating, people watching, picture taking, and musical, Today Show, and David Letterman viewing! we might also get to meet one of my mom's friends that she has known for over 30 years! love that! AND i get to meet a whole gaggle of crazy girls from this fun place for a fun lunch!!!!

so there.
i blogged.
are you happy?
i hope so.

i am.

swing 'em if you got 'em!

2008-02-19T09:23:00.004-07:00

i am loving this artist!

(i am way overdue on an update . . . will do later today!)

2008-02-05T20:17:00.001-07:00

feeling very confused and out of control today.
i just don't know how to best help my body.
and it is so frustrating.
tomorrow will be new and fresh.
so for now, i will fold laundry and pray.

2008-01-31T14:22:00.000-07:00

in detroit
it is cold here
be home soon.

tired girl does a RAK

2008-01-29T22:49:00.000-07:00

so, there are so many other, much much much more noteworthy things to blog about,
like for instance the fabulous weekend i just got to spend with this favorite girl of mine

but let's be honest,
we leave town for five days tomorrow
and who is not packed?
me.
who has been up since 5am?
me.
ridiculous.
my brain is so sleepy that i can't possibly do justice to our wonderful time!
but i will.
soon.
just not tonight.

speaking of things the deserve a cupcake factory and huge parade
full of parade-y things . . .
how about this sweet woman
who sent me some tea and a tea cup with saucer and a book
to help me through my year without tv.
i love friends.
and the fact that they like us
even when we are so tired that we give
really tired, lame blog "thank you" posts.
so, rhi, thanks thank thanks.
you are brilliant and kind and good.

but, i did feel it was quite necessary to post the pics at the top of this post
because, honestly, i am both
impressed
and
disturbed
that my face can even make these expressions.
weird.
i never knew it.

okay, so here is the RAK:
leave me a comment with
a short title or narration
for each of the four pics of kelly and i in the photo booth.
the one who makes herb and kelly and i laugh the hardest
will receive a sweet package sometime next week.
we will pick a winner saturday by noon.

peace to you
c

this list

2008-01-18T17:32:00.000-07:00

i am really loving this list.
it is just such a fun way to intentionally
decide what the things are
in your world
that feel like celebration of all of the good stuff.
an intentional way of digging into the good stuff
and also splashing all of your own good stuff all around.

so far, i cannot cross anything off of the list
though i am getting closer to achieving some.

for instance, this weekend,
we went on a scouting trip
off the coast of washington
to see if we can find the place on orcas island
that will be suitable for a writing sabbatical.
so that is something.
(and yes, we found THE place . . .
now we just need to negotiate the money thing)

in terms of teaching leo to sing Sweet Caroline,
we practiced on thursday last week,
and i have to say,
i know that the kid is not even three yet,
but this is going to be a much more involved ordeal
than i originally anticipated!

exhibit a:

he would only sing if i would first build a house for him to crash into
with his cars. i had to build him a new house for crashing each time i wanted him to sing.

exhibit b:

the boy will NOT relinquish the binky! come on!
there are no binkies in singing, kid!!!

have you ever . . .

2008-01-18T16:36:00.001-07:00

had one of those kinds of days?
or weeks?

it is not a bad mood really.
it is not sad.
it is not upset, even.

just sort of . . .
wander-y
and lost.

last week i literally heard myself say
out loud
"i feel so lost.
what am i doing?"

it is an odd feeling
but when i can get my head
out of the oddness of it
for just a minute
i realize that it means there is movement
there is change.

a year ago, i would not have felt these things.
that face i posted would have been
angry
or rage-y
or angst-y
or sad.

it would have been desperate
and lonely
and out of fight.

but i am out of that place now
and i don't feel sad or rage-y or angst-y.
my life does not feel like it is crumbling apart
and i feel the need to have roof-mounted guns
on my nissan murano
much much
much less frequently.
like, once, maybe twice a week.
that's pretty good, i would say!

i suppose i feel like a brand-new middle schooler, in a way.
they have conquered elementary school -
all of it -
and now they have moved on to the next thing
because they are ready
and they are prepared
and they are finished with learning
the things they need to learn
in elementary school.
and because it would be terribly embarrassing
for a 17 year old to be hanging out in the 5th grade.
in other words,
sometimes, things just HAVE to move along.

but when we move along,
even if we are ready
and even if it is crucial
in achieving the goal of not being the world's oldest
student in the D.A.R.E. program,
it does not mean that it is easy.

in fact, most 6th graders would gladly go back
to the 5th grade at first.

and that is because they know bupkiss about being 6th graders.

so here i am
in a healthy marriage
finally
and i am lost.

because so far, i have had very little experience
being a healthy woman
in a healthy marriage.

and it is so so very good that i am here.
but i would sure appreciate it if a nice,
nerdy, approachable 8th grade honor student
would give me a tour of the school.

2008-01-16T16:16:00.000-07:00

so, i have been an absent blogger this week
i really have not wanted to be.
however, every time i think about blogging
i say to myself, "but self, you have SO MUCH to catch
your readership up on
that you can't sit down and do it right now!!!"

but myself finally told myself that the longer i wait,
the crazier it is going to become
and all of a sudden you will be getting an update
complete with an olan mills photograph of an aged herb & cara
surrounded by 8 children, 32 grandchildren, and 5 great-grandbabies,
clad in denim shirt and matching visors,
and sitting in front of a backdrop painted to look like a prarie!

i just couldn't do that to you!

so here are a few updates . . .
the no tv thing is going exceptionally well -
except, for some reason, right before i sat down to blog.
at that point, i had an unexplainable urge to surf back and forth
between re-runs of Law & Order (the biggest culprit of them all!)
and Oprah (unless of course she is talking about something sad or
too saturated with the depravity of humanity - yeah, i am picky when
it comes to Oprah - she really has to be giving away Kitchen-Aid Mixers
or interviewing Rachel McAdams or giving a tour of her bedroom shoe closet
in order for me to hang with her.)

without the tv,
i am finding more time to read, take baths, do a little art, and even exercise.

the goal was to replace the tv time with
life-giving activities
and i think i have done that.

now, what i really want to do is eventually spend more of THAT time
writing - because i truly feel that deep down inside, somewhere,
i have a book that is dying to be written.

baby steps, i say.

let's see . . .
some random information
because that is what you come here for,
right?

reading: Pillars of the Earth

bathing with: Warm Vanilla Shooga' body wash
(Nat- Renee gave me some of her schwag bag! thanks!)

movies viewed: PS I Love You and Juno
(cried through the first and laughed through #2)

eating: trying (again) to re-visit the low/no sugar diet

exercising: trying to do three times a wek -
lots of dance classes @ the gym!

art: made a cool hand-made journal that i am filling here and there
with little pages like the one featured in this post;
and a scrap page or two.

Well, this was not the coolest blog entry ever
but hopefully better than nothing!

30 & 1/2

2008-01-11T17:21:00.000-07:00

today (well, by the time i am publishing this, yesterday)
i am
30
and
one half
of a year.

so in honor of this insignificant occasion,
i am salluting the brilliance of
this girl
and this one too

i made a list of
30 things i want to do
before i turn 31 . . .

AND i got a sassy haircut last week too!
very 30 and 1/2, don't you think???

(by the way, i did not have children overnight;
the little ones mentioned here are just among
the tots and teens that seem to have found their way
into my world!)

1. fill my little art journal
2. write a letter to both grandmas
3. take a writing sabbatical
4. live on an island for a little while
5. go for a "top down" drive in the mini with herb
6. try a new recipe featuring - gasp - vegetables
7. learn to sea kayak
8. write a poem
9. submit an article for publication
10. go for a hike
11. take brittany on an adventure
12. teach sara & anna to play "crapout"
13. teach leo to sing the "dun dun dun" and "so good so good so good" parts of Sweet Caroline
14. buy a hot red dress
15. wear said hot red dress on a red hot date!
16. ride the lightrail downtown (many times)
17. go roller blading
18. lay on a blanket at the park
19. go to the lazy river
20. make Spedini for dinner
21. take herb on a super cool surprise date
22. make a piece of art for a friend for no reason
23. sing karaoke
24. visit kelly farrell
25. send flowers to someone for no reason
26. make a "100 Mile" meal (all local ingredients)
27. go to an outdoor concert or movie
28. go on a house & garden tour
29. walk down to S. Pearl St. for First Friday
30. host a block & ally party for my neighbors

haPpY NeW yeARs dAy!

2008-01-01T20:14:00.000-07:00

i hope you had a wonderful holiday
and that you are returning to the daily
with a sense of restoration
joy
peace
and focus.

herb and i have enjoyed many days
of lounging and just being together.
it has been so nice to stay home
and just enjoy our home and each other.

i have been going back and forth
with the resolution thing.

typically, for me, these resolutions tend to be
more about finding all of the things wrong
with my life
my self
my body
my work ethic
my self-expression . . .

and less about creating a life full of
freedom
and joy
and creativity
and service to others
and being the woman god made me to be . . .

this year, i am focusing on two things:

1) taking inventory of the things i value
and trying to make sure i am intentionally
making choices every day that reflect these values.

2) saying good-bye to things that get in the way of
accomplishing goal #1. in my case, right now,
there is one major thing,
and that major thing is watching television.

SO, for the New Year,
i will not be watching TV.
for a year.
yep.
and you can guess that means
i might be blogging a little bit more.
mostly, i am sure, about not watching TV.

i am choosing not to see it as
"giving up TV",
but rather,
making space in my brain,
heart,
and calendar
to make sure that i am living a life on the outside
that reflects the life going on in the inside.

how about YOU???
what is your take on resolutions?
are you making any this year?

the day after puke-mas

2007-12-27T07:35:00.000-07:00

it was a wonderful day.
just me and herb.
i woke up to a quiet, snowy day.
spent a few moments reading, praying, and reflecting
before my cute man came bounding out from the bedroom -
"okay! let's do presents!"

it was really great -
this is the first of four christmases (one dating, three married)
that we have done on our own
(SO fabulous, by the way!)
and so i actually don't know his "present style".
if i had to guess ahead of time,
i suppose i would have said he was a mellow present guy.
you know, kind of not even mention them until around 10 or 11am!
but he is not and i love that!

we had a wonderful morning opening presents and eating omletts.
in the afternoon we played with our new wii and finally went to a movie.
(charlie wilson's war . . . a must see!)

and about half way through, i looked over and noticed my husband
litterally shrinking in his chair.
"my stomach hurts. i am going to the bathroom."
20 minutes later i went to look for him.
"i threw up"
much coddeling and cooing over him took place.
since we went to the theater with our neighbor, allison,
i went back in to finish the movie with her.

that is when my stomach started twisting and turning.

collaboratively, over the course of the eve, we puked four or five times!

yesterday, we woke up, feeling okay.
because our movie marathon was cut short,
(the three of us had big aspirations of AT LEAST two movies)
i figured i would grab allison and go see a matinee or something.
but not quiet yet.
i just needed to lay down on the couch for a little bit.
surely by noon, i will be up and at 'em - movie going, laundry doing.
plus, it was a beautiful day here yesterday!
it had snowed ALL DAY on christmas
(PERFECT!)
but a bright, blue-skyed day, is just what the day after christmas should be.
i had big aspirations of long, sunny walks!
but it was not just the day after christmas,
it was the day after puke-mas.
so there i lay, at 7am, on the couch.
finally, at 9pm
(yes, 14 hours and two project runway marathons later)
i got up, took a bath, and went to bed!!!
herb stayed up later because his SIX HOUR nap
from 8am-2pm had him pretty well-rested!
or at least unable to sleep!

so, today, it is snowing again.
yesterday doesn't count, so it is my official
"day after christmas".
i have big plans for laundry and puttering about -
just as the day after christmas should be!

check back later -
i will post pictures of THE BEST
most ROMANTIC
most THOUGHTFUL
christmas gift from my sweet herb!

have a BEAUTIFUL DAY!!!

and check this out:

doing what i can . . .

2007-12-20T09:37:00.000-07:00

to celebrate the things i am doing right now . . .
(those little greasy looking pucks are actually cheesy corn muffins that i froze a few weeks ago because eating a dozen corn muffins all at once would be bad news for anyone! but a few minutes in the micro this morning and . . . yummo!!!!)

. . . and looking forward to the things i plan to do later tonight

herb is hoping we can reconfigure our $10 target gingerbread kit
to look a little more like this $80 mod gingerbread house kit from red envelope.

therefore, i bought brown, orange, and green frosting to help him pursue his dream.
like i always say, aspire big!
(no, i don't actually ever say that!)

i am sure i will have a few pictures to share tomorrow!

what are YOU doing to enjoy the day?

My oh my! I just can't get enough of blogging today!

2007-12-18T12:06:00.001-07:00

After a few months, I finally did some scrapbooking again yesterday!
And I was reminded how much fun it is!
(and it doesn't hurt that i feel pretty proud of this one!)
If you want to see more of this little beauty, go on and take a peak over here!

I DO . . . what????

STUFFED:: The New Blog

On the Ridiculousness of Dreaming Big

one of the few problems with living in denver is our high level of casual

Why We Work

To: You Love: Me

When Only Living Out of Your Heart Will Do

a glorious invitation

wHaT We'Ve bEEn dOing aRounD hErE

once again

first*fruits

Flank Steak with Cilantro-Almond Pesto

Yields:

Ingredients

Preparation

Nutritional Information

chasing the dream

it's been a long long long time.

a new friend

seriously*privileged

update on the book giveaway!

who doesn't like a book give away????

The Marriage Mix

08*09

christmas around this joint . . .

keepin' it real in blog world

May I Have Some Community With My Eggnog?

pictures 07

waiting for the airplane . . .

experimenting with joy: part ii

today . . .

dAy*SeVeN

experimenting with joy: part i

dAy*ThReE*aNd*fOuR

love big RAK Winner!!!!!!!

dAy*TwO

dAy*OnE*

today . . .

following through

bad news has never sounded so very very good!

A LOVE RAK!!!

sTeP*OnE

The Risks of Drinking A Smoothie While Fighting

***nUmBEr*tHreE***

In Response

etsy*etsy*etsy

a long time . . .

beautiful*tams

rhi*rhi*day*day

see me*know me*love me

mOoCh*MoOcH*

so far*so hard

*hAppY*HaPPy*fRiDay*

they are almost here!

you wanna hear the skinny?

the creative type: prompt 2

words & tunes

* cOmE, CoMe, OH fAll!!! *

tReaDmiLL*loVe

father fitzgerald and herb's golden ticket

pHoTo*sHooT

drinking it all in

tWeeT*twEEt*oh*so*sweet

iNspIRe*mE*pLeASe

gig*poster*inspiration

iWrite: another exciting announcement!

HEY*HEY*HEY!

not today

conversations with leo

it is time.

with a name like "spedini", no other title is required

just one year later . . .

the girl turns 31

aNd thE wiNeER iS . . .

about that bike give-away

we be out

***name-the-bike give away***

GUESS WHAT???????

2 weeks from ***ToDAy***

the bar that doesn't even need a title to introduce it (or posts that cara is too tired to give proper titles to)

dAyThReEaNd*fOuR

dAyOnE

etsyetsyetsy

rhirhiday*day

see meknow melove me

mOoChMoOcH

hAppYHaPPyfRiDay

tWeeTtwEEtohsosweet

iNspIRemEpLeASe

gigposterinspiration

HEYHEYHEY!

name-the-bike give away

2 weeks from ToDAy

tired girl does a RAK